I open my apartment door, and once I’m inside, I slam it shut and fall facedown onto my half-deflated mattress.
I can’t even say I’m back to square one. I feel like I’m at square negative one now.
My door swings open, and I immediately sit up. The girl from the stairs walks into my apartment uninvited. “Why are you crying?” She closes the door behind her and leans against it, scanning my apartment with curious eyes. “Why don’t you have any stuff?”
Even though she just barged in without permission, I’m too sad to be upset about it. She doesn’t have boundaries. Good to know.
“I just moved in,” I say, explaining my lack of stuff.
The girl walks to my refrigerator and opens it. She sees the half-eaten package of Lunchables I left this morning, and she grabs it. “Can I have this?”
At least she waits for permission before she eats it. “Sure.”
She takes a bite out of a cracker, but then her eyes get wide and she tosses the Lunchables on the counter. “Oh, you have a kitten!” She walks over to the kitten and picks her up. “My mom won’t let me have a kitten—did you get it from Ruth?”
Any other time, I’d welcome her. Really. But I just don’t have the strength to be friendly during one of the worst moments of my life. I need to have a decent breakdown, and I can’t do that with her here. “Can you please go?” I say it as nicely as possible, but asking someone to leave you alone can never not sting.
“One time when I was like five, I’m seventeen now, but when I was five, I had a kitten, but it got worms and died.”
“I’m sorry.” She still hasn’t closed the refrigerator.
“What’s her name?”
“I haven’t named her yet.” Did she not hear me ask her to leave?
“Why are you so poor?”
“What makes you think I’m poor?”
“You don’t have any food or a bed or stuff.”
“I’ve been in prison.” Maybe that’ll scare her off.
“My dad is in prison. Do you know him?”
“No.”
“But I haven’t even told you his name.”
“I was in an all-female prison.”
“Able Darby. That’s his name, do you know him?”
“No.”
“Why are you crying?”
I get off the mattress and walk to the refrigerator and shut it.
“Did someone hurt you? Why are you crying?”
I can’t believe I’m going to answer her. I feel like this makes me even more pathetic, to just vent to a random teenager who walked into my apartment without my permission. But it seems like it would feel good to say it out loud. “I have a daughter, and no one will let me see her.”
“Did she get kidnapped?”
I want to say yes, because sometimes it feels that way. “No. My daughter lived with people while I was in prison, but now that I’m out, they don’t want me to see her.”
“But you want to?”
“Yes.”
She kisses the kitten on top of its head. “Maybe you should be glad. I don’t really like little kids. My brother puts peanut butter in my shoes sometimes. What’s your name?”
“Kenna.”
“I’m Lady Diana.”
“Is that really your name?”
“No, it’s Lucy, but I like Lady Diana better.”
“Do you work at the grocery store?” I ask her, pointing at her shirt.
She nods.
“I start work there on Monday.”
“I’ve worked there for almost two years. I’m saving to buy a computer, but I haven’t saved anything yet. I’m gonna go eat dinner now.” She hands me the kitten and starts walking toward my door. “I have some sparklers. When it gets dark later, do you want to light them with me?”
I lean against my counter and sigh. I don’t want to say no, but I also have a feeling my breakdown is going to last at least until morning. “Maybe another time.”
Lady Diana leaves my apartment. I lock the door this time, and then I immediately grab my notebook and write a letter to Scotty because it’s the only thing that can prevent me from crumbling.
Dear Scotty,
I wish I could tell you what our daughter looks like, but I still have no idea.
Maybe it’s my fault for not being honest with Ledger about who I was last night. He seemed to take that as some type of betrayal when he realized who I was today. I didn’t even get to see your parents because he was so angry I was there.