Music had always been more background noise for me than anything else, and I couldn’t remember a time in my life when it played a central role.
I also couldn’t remember the last time Holly and I did something between our busy schedules, other than lunch, or a recent time where I laughed as hard with her as I did with Easton.
As more sleepless hours ticked by, I calculated how long it’d been since I had sex—or even dated—which only pulled me deeper into my own head.
The conclusion I drew after hours of contemplation—I’ve considered working ‘living’ for so long that the lines have completely blurred. I gave my parents the excuse that I hadn’t taken a break since I graduated last year, but am living the totality and consequences of that truth at present.
Which led to another forgone conclusion—I’m quickly becoming the living definition of burnt the hell out.
Those realizations—combined with the fact that I found myself going further into Dad and Stella’s emails again—kept me tossing and turning until the early morning hours. The insurmountable guilt continued to pile up to the point that I felt I was suffocating. Thankfully, my mind shut down, granting me a few short hours of reprieve. Seeing the email thread the second I regained consciousness this morning inevitably led to my current, ongoing battle with my conscience.
Nate Butler
Subject: Look at me.
March 31, 2009, 4:22 p.m.
Right girl,
I may be the pompous ass who feels he’s rarely wrong, but if I’m right, then I take it back. I can’t fucking stand the hurt in your eyes or the fact that this day is dragging out, as is your silence.
I’m so sorry I hurt you. I was being honest, but even if I felt I was right, it wasn’t worth it. I love you too much to allow this to drag on.
Please, baby, look at me, or I’m not going to make it through the rest of the day.
Nate Butler
Editor in Chief, Austin Speak
Stella Emerson
Subject: Look at yourself, asshole.
March 31, 2009, 4:53 p.m.
Nate,
I’ll break my silence, but only to tell you that you are, in fact, the pompous asshole who can claim he’s right as much as he desires, but it doesn’t make it so. Case in point, you’re partially colorblind, and you refuse to believe it. Therefore, your green tie doesn’t match your blue suit today. But because you’re such a smug son of a bitch, no one in this newsroom will likely tell you to add to your disillusion. You can critique me all you want. That’s your job inside of this building. Outside, your position doesn’t play a part. You just smiled smugly at me, and now you’re walking toward my desk. Yeah, that infuriating smirk is growing as you approach. You really should have heeded the warning I just gave you with the jerk of my chin. I’m about to embarrass you. By the time you read this email, it will be too late.
In the doghouse, you’ll remain.
Stella Emerson
Entertainment Columnist, Austin Speak
Stella Emerson
Subject: RE: Look at yourself, asshole.
March 31, 2009, 5:14 p.m.
What you just did was sketchy and absolutely unfair. I will never look at you again…until you stoop to that level again…and again. And again.
I have work to do. Stop looking at me like that.
Stella Emerson
Entertainment Columnist, Austin Speak
Nate Butler
Subject: RE: Look at yourself, asshole.
March 31, 2009, 5:22 p.m.
I love you so much it hurts.
Nate Butler
Editor in Chief, Austin Speak
Stella Emerson
Subject: RE: Look at yourself, asshole.
March 31, 2009, 5:23 p.m.
Good.
Stella Emerson
Entertainment Columnist, Austin Speak
Nate Butler
Subject: You
October 5, 2009, 3:00 p.m.
What’s wrong? And don’t lie to me and tell me it’s nothing. I know we’re okay because I know when we’re not okay, and this doesn’t have anything to do with us. Talk to me.
Nate Butler
Editor in Chief, Austin Speak
Stella Emerson
Subject: RE: You
October 5, 2009, 3:04 p.m.
I’m just tired. Really, please don’t read too much into it. But can we skip our dinner plans with your mother tonight? I don’t want her to think I don’t want to be there because I won’t. Please don’t be mad I’m asking. While I love you for encouraging me to earn my masters, school is kicking my ass, and I really need to buckle down on my studies.
Stella Emerson
Entertainment Columnist, Austin Speak
Nate Butler
Subject: Re: You
October 5, 2009, 3:09 p.m.