“Like the opposite of what we’ve been doing.” Dr. Banning said as much.
“Basically. Look, we’ve spent so much energy hiding each other’s addictions from our families. If we put that into helping one another, we just might be able to make this work.”
I like the game plan. It starts clearing that haze that has been clouding my future for so long. A picture begins to form of us when he returns. And I’m more overwhelmed by the fact that there will be an us after a three-month separation.
I finger the hem of my shirt. “We divorced,” I mutter. “I thought you weren’t going to want me back.”
His voice lowers to a pained whisper. “Why would you think that?”
I lick my dry, chapped lips again. “Couples who divorce usually don’t get remarried.” Of course, we’re not actually married. But he’ll understand the metaphor. He’s used it before when we were teenagers. We played house most of our lives. It’s kind of fucked up, but I guess that’s just us.
“I’m remarrying you, Lil. Fuck, I’d remarry you a hundred times until it stuck.”
I pinch my eyes again. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Even if I make you miserable?”
There’s a long pause before he murmurs, “You don’t make me miserable. You make me want to live. And I want to live with you.”
My throat closes for words. I sniff and rub my nose and wipe the last of my tears.
“Okay?” he breathes. “So about tonight, you need to tell me what happened.”
I nod to myself. Right. “These past couple of months, I’ve just been masturbating a ton. And this boat trip was supposed to be better than last time. I wasn’t supposed to turn into this compulsive monster.” I fucked up. But telling him this is easier than I thought it would be. Probably because we were always best friends before we ever became a real and true couple.
“Compulsive how?”
“I couldn’t stop. I was using my vibrator and then Ryke bulldozed into my room because he was scared he was about to get raped by a sixteen-year-old girl.”
“Seriously?” he says in disbelief. I’m not sure what he’s referring to, and so my nerves jostle.
“What? Which part?” I scratch my arm.
“The part where Ryke is scared of a high school girl. What a pussy,” he says with a laugh.
I relax. “That’s mean to say about your brother.”
“Half-brother,” Lo snaps back. Okaaay. Obviously there’s some issue going on that I’m not aware of.
“I thought you guys were cool.”
“Oh yeah,” Lo says sarcastically, “I just love being the bastard.”
I guess before Ryke showed up, Lo thought he was a child caught in a nasty divorce between his parents. Come to find out, he was the cause of their separation: a product of infidelity.
He sighs heavily. “Look, I can forgive him for lying to me because he’s been supportive of my recovery, and besides you, he’s the only person who knows what it’s like to be around my father. But he can be so fucking abrasive.”
I smile, glad we agree on something. “I know. He bugs me all the time, but I kind of have to put up with him.” Because he means well. And he’s one of the reasons we’ve reached this place. If Ryke hadn’t injected himself in our lives, I’m afraid we would have continued to enable each other.
“About that…” Lo trails off, trying to pick his words carefully. “I’m not feeling particularly loving towards him when I’m stuck here and he’s over there…” He refrains from adding with you, but I hear it anyway. “It’s just not an ideal situation.”
“You wouldn’t want to be here anyway,” I tell him. “Daisy’s friends talk nonstop. Your ears would start bleeding.”
“But I would still be with you,” he says and then lets out a frustrated groan. “I just want to hold you right now. It’s killing me.”
“Not as much as me,” I breathe.
Lo pauses. “What happened after Ryke walked in on you? He didn’t see you naked, did he?”
I blush. “No, no…” I quickly explain my comforter snafu and waddling to the bathroom. “I should have stopped, you know. That was the point where I should have ended my self-love for the night.”
“But you didn’t.”
I bite my fingernail to the bed. “Afterwards, I got sad. I broke down. Ryke came in and called my therapist. I talked to her and managed to stop crying. That’s it. That was my glorious night.”