“The fun stuff,” I answer for Lara. “Now, come try to kidnap me. I’ll pretend to be talking to a little girl about her flower crown.” Getting into character, I squat down and say, “Oh, hello, sweetie, what a lovely crown. Did you make that yourself?” When Keller doesn’t do anything, I look over my shoulder and say, “Uh, hello, that’s your cue. Come try to take me.”
Sighing, he walks up to me as I turn back around, slips his hand over my eyes, and then one arm around my waist, picking me up as if I’m a simple sack of flour.
I wiggle in his grasp, attempting to do that thing Lara taught me with my legs, but fail miserably against the stone god behind me.
“Are you supposed to be doing something to me?” Keller asks.
“Yes,” I grunt, trying hard to loop my leg around his to trip him up. “But, Jesus, you’re so big.”
“Never complained about it before,” he whispers in my ear, causing my cheeks to flame.
I wiggle some more.
I kick around.
I even attempt a karate hand on his arm, but nothing breaks him.
“Am I supposed to be impressed?” he asks as he sets me down, my worn-out body needing a break.
“Well, it worked on Lara.”
“Yes, and Lara is three-quarters my size.”
“Not something we considered,” Lara says, tapping her chin. “But what about the full-frontal attack? Try that one.”
“Ah, yes.” I lift my finger to the air. “The full frontal. I’m going to really get you now.” I position myself and set the scene. “Now, I’ll be greeting a world leader when out of nowhere, you try to attack me head-on.”
“That would never happen. Your security detail would be extensive in a meet-and-greet with a world leader that you’d never have to worry about a frontal attack.”
“Ugh, fine, I’m meeting with someone in town, and they decide they don’t like my dress and attack me.”
“Also, if Lara does her job, none of this happens.”
“What if Lara gets a charley horse on the job? Huh? Ever think about that?” I ask him. “Those death cramps come out of nowhere and can take a grown man down. We must be fully prepared for all scenarios, so stop being difficult, stand over there, and attack me from the front.”
“Sure, in case of a charley horse.” He rolls his eyes, and I ignore it.
“Okay, come at me. I’m just going to pretend I’m greeting a dignitary. Oh, hello, Mr. President, how kind you are to compliment my yellow dress. I made it from hay.”
Keller pauses in his approach. “Hay?”
“Just attack me, for fuck’s sake.” His brow raises at me. “Errr, I mean, for crying out loud.”
He moves in on me, and I pop my arm out, aiming for his nose as I let out a “hi-yah.”
Keller grabs my hand, twists it around my body, and in seconds, has my back pinned to his chest.
“Ha, got you,” I say. “That hi-yah hand was just a decoy. This is where the fun begins.” I move to stomp on his foot. “Take tha-aaaahhh.”
He spreads my legs, causing me to almost tumble forward, only for him to scoop me up and toss me over his shoulder.
“Uh-huh, sure, good move, but what about this?” I say as I smack his ass. “Look out, the saw-hand is coming. Brrrrrrr-ummmmm.” I start chopping at his back repeatedly, gaining some ground with every pound.
“Little to the left,” he says. “Yes, right there.”
I pause. “This isn’t a massage. These are my deadly weapons.” I chop at him again.
“Feels like a massage,” he says when he sets me back down.
“Oh yeah? But what about this?” I spin in place and try to chop him at the waist, but he stops my hand, so I go in for a right hook. He stops that as well and ties me up in a pretzel. “Uh-huh, I see you, but what about this?” I go for the good stuff, plowing a fist right to his crotch, but he lifts his knee, deflecting my hand. I spin again and attempt to body slam him into the wall, but instead, I bounce off his large body and land on my butt on the floor.
When I stand, I brush off my backside and nod.
“Quite the competitor. I tip my hat to you but—oh no, look out, a codfish.” I point to the side, and to my luck, he glances over as I roundhouse kick him, aiming for the stomach.
But the man has catlike reflexes, and before I can enjoy the feeling of my foot connecting with his abs, he grips my ankle in his large hand and then somehow drags me close and lifts me in the air so I’m hanging upside down in front of him, breathing heavily.