When we’re back in the car, Lara slips me the note, but I don’t look at it right away. Instead, I stare out the window at the retreating Keller, who doesn’t tear his gaze away until I can’t see him anymore.
Still looking out the window, I whisper, “I love him, Lara.”
“I know.”
“And I don’t think I can go on without him. He hurt me, but . . . the hurt I feel when he’s not around, that’s stronger.”
“I can see it in your eyes.”
I lean back in my seat and turn toward her. “How’s that possible? How’s it possible to love someone who hurt you?”
“Unconditional love, Lilly. You can’t control it. It just sits there, buried in your heart, forever. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the type of love you two share. It almost seems as though you both breathe deeper when around each other. That’s something to hold on to.”
I don’t respond to her. I look at the paper and read his words.
When our eyes meet,
It feels like the ink
In my pen won’t seize.
My words are tangled,
Contorted in my mind.
I desperately want to say,
How the world spins,
Only when you are near.
But the best I can write,
Is always mine, eternally yours.
Chapter Twenty-Six
KELLER
“Come in,” I say over my shoulder.
I don’t turn to face Lara. I know it’s her, as she’s come at the same time every night since I lost everything.
I’ve gotten into a routine since I’ve been put on suspension. I still wake up every morning at the same time, but instead of getting ready for the day, I go on a five-mile run and then work out in the gym provided by the palace. After that, I shower and help around the quarters by cleaning, offering to help with meals, and even doing repairs. When I have downtime, I sit in front of my journal and focus on my poems, focus on my feelings, and why I had such a hard time coming back to Strombly. Why I felt the need to jeopardize the best thing that ever happened to me.
And after much reflection and speaking with Lara, it comes down to one thing—to prove to my parents that even though they’re not here anymore, I’m still the man they always wanted me to be. But above all else, above the rules, above their societal expectations, they would’ve wanted me to be happy. And I’m not fucking happy. Not even in the slightest.
So, I came up with a plan. I worked with Runa and Lara and found out Lilly’s schedule, and I made sure I was there at the events I knew I’d be able to attend. And then I worked on my poems; I went over them repeatedly until I felt they were the epitome of what I was feeling.
On the days when I knew I’d see her, I didn’t sleep. I kept thinking over and over what that interaction would be, what I’d say to her, and how I’d look at her. And after, I’d reflect on how goddamn beautiful she was. How perfect she was, handling the people of Torskethorpe. How she was an absolute natural. And how her hand fit into mine when I passed her the note.
I tried asking Lara for reactions to the notes, but she said she was already walking a thin line between us, that she wanted to keep Lilly’s reactions to herself, and I respected that.
So, I’ve been waiting by my phone for a call, a text, anything that tells me she wants to talk. But she hasn’t contacted me. I don’t blame her. She was right—my desertion was unforgivable. Brimar may have pressed on my insecurities. But I stomped on Lilly’s fears.
“Are you just going to sit there, or are you going to greet me?” a booming voice says from the door.
I fly out of my seat and turn around quickly to find King Theo standing in my room. The door is shut, but that doesn’t mean the people around me didn’t hear his deep voice.
“Theo,” I say, stunned. “I’m sorry, I thought you were Lara.”
“Is that how you greet a friend?”
“No, sir. Sorry.” I push my hand through my hair, knowing it’s a mess. I’m not wearing a shirt, and I haven’t shaved in a day or two, so I probably look like an absolute mess.
His eyes scan me as he takes a seat on my bed. “You look like hell.”
“I know,” I say, staying standing.
“Take a seat, Keller.”
I sit back down in my desk chair, but I turn it to face him. “If I knew you were coming, I would’ve made myself more presentable.”
“I prefer to see you like this—no smoke and mirrors about how you’re truly doing. And from the looks of it, not great.”