You should have said yes, she thought for the hundredth time. You should have told him you loved him. But what good was that word to people like her? Nikolai deserved more. Ravka required more. But for an hour, for a day, he might have been hers. And if something happened to him on that battlefield? She’d been too afraid to say yes to him, to show him the truth of her longing, to admit that from the first time she’d seen him, she’d known he was the hero of all her aunt’s stories, the boy with the golden spirit full of light and hope. All Saints, Zoya wanted to be near that light, she wanted to feel the warmth of it for as long as she could.
She shook her head and plunged into the tent, stripping off the First Army uniform she’d worn to disguise her identity. “There are other Squallers,” she said as she dug through her trunk for something less recognizable. “Adrik can guide the missiles. And I’ll be back in plenty of time. With Nina Zenik in tow.”
“She may not even be alive.”
Zoya nearly tore the roughspun shirt she’d drawn from her trunk. “She is not dead. I forbid it.”
Genya planted her hands on her hips. “Don’t flash those dragon eyes at me, Zoya. Nina isn’t a child. She’s a soldier and a spy and she wouldn’t want you to sacrifice yourself for her.”
“She’s alive.”
“And if she isn’t?”
“I’ll kill every living thing Fjerda can throw at me.”
“Zoya, stop this. Please. I don’t want to lose you too!”
At the break in Genya’s voice, Zoya froze. The sound scraped against her heart, the pain sudden and overwhelming. There were tears in Genya’s single amber eye.
“Zoya,” she whispered. “I can’t do this alone. I … I can’t be the last of us.”
Zoya felt a tremor move through her. She could see her friend suffering, but she didn’t know how to fix it, who to be in this moment. Genya was the one who offered kindness, who wiped away tears, who soothed and mended. Give me something to fight. Something to swing at, to destroy. That was the only gift she had.
Zoya felt like she was choking on her grief and shame, but she forced the words out. “I should have been there to protect him. Both of you.”
“Protect me now. Don’t go.”
“I have to, Genya. The Apparat is a threat to Nikolai and always will be until he’s eliminated.”
Genya’s laugh rang with disbelief. “You’re not going to fight the Apparat. You’re going to save Nina.”
Zoya pressed her palms to her eyes. “It was my mission, Genya. When Nina was first captured on the Wandering Isle, I was her commanding officer. I pushed her harder than I should have. I let her stomp off in a huff. If it wasn’t for me, Nina never would have been captured by Fjerdans. She never would have ended up in Ketterdam or fallen in love with a witchhunter. I can’t lose her again.” She drew in a long breath. “If the Apparat has Nina, her cover is blown. He could turn her over to Jarl Brum. I won’t let her be tortured, not when I have the chance to stop it.”
Genya cast her hands out. “All of the people in this camp have been put on this path because of decisions the Triumvirate made. They’re choosing to stand between Ravka and destruction. That was Nina’s choice too. We are all soldiers. Why were you so hard on Nina if you didn’t want her to use her skills?”
“Because I wanted her to survive!”
“Zoya, do you know why the Darkling lost the civil war? How Alina stopped him?”
Zoya pinched the bridge of her nose. “No. I wish I did.”
“Because he always fought alone. He let his power isolate him. Alina had us. You have us. You push us away, keep us at arm’s distance so that you won’t mourn us. But you’ll mourn us anyway. That’s the way love works.”
Zoya turned away. “I don’t know how to do this anymore. I don’t know how to just go on.”
“I don’t know either. There are days when I don’t want to. But I can’t live a life without love.”
Zoya slammed the trunk lid shut. “That’s the difference between you and me.”
“You don’t know what you’re walking into. You’re powerful, Zoya. Not immortal.”
“We’ll see.”
Genya blocked her path. “Zoya, the Apparat knows you’re an asset who can turn the tide of this war.”
Now the dragon inside her bared its teeth, and Zoya smiled. “He doesn’t know anything about me. But he’s going to learn.”