But two Fjerdan soldiers stepped into the captain’s path, seizing his arms and snatching away his pistol. The drüskelle captain shouted, face red, spittle flying from his mouth. Blasphemy, heresy, treason, abomination. All words that had been used against Grisha before. If the Fjerdans had been winning this battle, maybe those charges would have held sway. But these men didn’t want to die. One by one, the drüskelle went to their knees. Zoya had bought their fealty with mercy.
Again, Nikolai looked to the Darkling. The Starless had surrounded him, praying. The field was full of kneeling soldiers, weeping troops, perplexed Grisha. From the north came the sound of a trumpet—the Fjerdans sounding retreat. The Darkling grinned at Nikolai as if he’d been the architect of it all.
Above them, the dragon flapped her vast wings and he saw someone on her back, though he couldn’t tell who. The great beast roared and the clouds around her pulsed with light. Thunder boomed, rolling over the mountains, and lightning forked through the sky, so bright he had to avert his gaze.
When he looked back, Zoya was gone.
43
ZOYA
ZOYA COULDN’T THINK OVER the sound of Juris’ laughter in her head.
Sankta Zoya.
She was no Saint. It was podge-headed nonsense. But had she helped buy peace for Ravka? Had she done right by leaving the Fjerdans alive? She swooped down to the coast, searching for a place to land that would be out of sight of prying eyes. She needed a moment in the cool dark to pull her thoughts back together, to understand herself again. Her mind felt different, not just her body. She couldn’t grasp the shape of who she was. It was all too much—the soldiers’ panic on the field, the Darkling’s bemusement, the drüskelle commander’s wild rage, Nina’s anguish. Nikolai. She could still feel his fear for her. There has to be more to life, even for soldiers like us. In those brief seconds she had believed. We might shelter in each other. She was tied to all of them.
Juris’ knowledge echoed through her—a cave just north of Os Kervo, hewn into the cliff wall. He had flown this coastline many times before. The cave was snug, but it would do.
I should have killed the Fjerdans. I should have given them a wound from which they’d never recover. But that was an old voice, the voice of a hurt child who had no one to trust, who feared there would always be someone more powerful and more cruel than her. She would forever be a bloodthirsty, furious girl, but she might allow herself to be something else too. If she had helped to earn peace for Ravka, then maybe she could grant her own heart a bit of peace as well.
She set down with an awkward thud, nearly crashing into the cave wall before she managed to stop her speed. Utterly graceless.
“You have to take me back,” Nina said.
Zoya gave a massive shrug. Climb off or I’ll throw you off.
Nina yelped and half rolled off her, landing in a heap on the cave floor. Her clothes were soaked and her blond hair looked like someone had tried to style it with a pitchfork.
“Are you in my head?” Nina squeaked, pressing her hands to her temples. “Can you read my mind?”
Blessedly not. But she could feel. So much. It was terrifying. This was what she had always feared, this deep connection to the world. But she had opened the door. She’d burst right through it. There was no closing it now.
Nina pushed to her feet. She was staring at Zoya with huge eyes, and Zoya wondered what she saw. Her own sight was keener, her sense of smell sharper. Each breath felt strange, her belly, her lungs. What had she become?
“I … I still don’t … I can’t believe it’s you.”
Zoya couldn’t quite believe it either. And yet, this was what Juris had wanted from her, it was the true gift that had come through his scales when she’d taken his life and he’d taken hers. But she didn’t know how long she could keep this form. It still felt wrong to her, unstable.
She sought some kind of explanation to offer Nina. There was a time when soldiers became beasts, and when Grisha didn’t take amplifiers, they became them.
“You didn’t become a bear or a hawk, Zoya. You’re a dragon. Can you … Is it permanent?”
Zoya felt a shiver pass through her, an echo of Juris’ loneliness. He had been able to take human or dragon form at will. She hoped the same thing would be true for her.
I don’t know.
“Zoya, you have to take me back to Leviathan’s Mouth.”
You will come home to Ravka.
“No, I will not. My mission isn’t complete.”
A deep growl rumbled through Zoya and she snapped her huge jaws at the air. Why must you be so stubborn?