“And you still thought it would be a good idea?” I could kill Jillian for the way she’d schemed behind my back twice in a row this week.
Alice gave me a kind smile. “Absolutely. I was quite the stubborn woman myself when I was your age, but my late husband wore me down. I’m so glad he did, because otherwise, I wouldn’t be here, dining in a fancy restaurant in New York in the middle of the morning.”
“I’m sorry you lost him.” I dropped my voice.
She gave her （fantastic） hair a toss. A few years ago, I would have looked at this woman and thought to myself, I want her to be my mother. Now, after everything Beatrice and I had been through, I only wanted someone like Alice as a friend.
“You know, it was only after I lost him that I realized how grateful I am for everything I had. It put everything in perspective. Life is uncertain, Arya. Love is not. Love is the concrete beneath your feet. It’s the anchor when you’re in the eye of a storm. Tossing love away because of a few complications is unheard of. This is what I came here to tell you, actually.”
She reached for my hand, clasping it firmly. “When I heard about you and Nicky, I couldn’t just sit by and let you two miss the chance at love again. I want you to know he loves you. He’s always loved you. He hated that he loved you, but he did it anyway, because it was stronger than him. Over the years, I’ve watched as he fought it. As he struggled to understand why he couldn’t fall in love with anyone else. Your name always came up. Every single time. He thought you scarred him. But the truth is, you just never left his mind. His heart. You know him, Arya.” She spoke softly, dropping her voice. “You know better than I do what kind of person he is. He’s made a few mistakes, sure, the biggest of them not telling you who he was. But he would also give up the world for a second chance with you. Please reconsider.”
I opened my mouth to tell her that I’d already thought about it. That I wanted Nicky just as much as he wanted me. And Christian too. I wanted who he’d been and who he’d become. Each day spent without him felt like a terrible waste. But Alice beat me to it, standing up and taking a step back.
“No.” She raised her hand to stop me. “Don’t tell me. Tell him.”
Suddenly, he was there. Alive and beautiful and heartbreakingly not mine. He wore jeans and a white shirt. Every nerve in my body was on alert, pushing me to jump on him in tears.
The waiter approached with the pastry platter. Alice shooed him away. “Seriously? Can’t you see that they’re having a moment? Put that on the bar; I’ll take care of these puppies in a second.”
I made a mental note to never, ever come back to this place again. My food was so going to get spit on.
Alice nudged Nicky in my direction before turning around and swaggering toward the bar. He took the seat in front of me. My hands shook. I couldn’t believe I’d ever been mad at him for anything. This man who had been through so much because of me. For me. Who’d made so many sacrifices in his life while I’d lived in my ivory tower, nestled in designer everything and my own privilege.
“I get it now,” he said, sounding somber and a little contemplative. Christian produced something from the leather briefcase he carried and dropped it on the table between us. A copy of Atonement. The spine wrinkled to death, the edges tattered from usage.
“The book,” he explained. “I read it. Twice, actually. Back to back yesterday. By the time I was done, Jillian told me you’d already left work.”
“I see Jillian has been doing a lot of legwork behind the scenes,” I muttered.
“Well”—Christian flashed a lopsided grin—“she knew it’s either her doing some legwork or you kicking me to the curb.”
“Did you like it?” I swallowed. “The book, I mean.”
Of course you meant the book. What else would he think you meant? Jillian’s legs?
He shook his head gravely. “No.”
My soul felt heavy and soggy and full of dark things.
“I fucking loved it. I’d watched the movie before—our library scene made Keira Knightley and James McAvoy look like amateurs, by the way—but hadn’t read the book until now. It made me understand you. The book is about class, guilt, and the loss of innocence. All the things that we experienced together. That bound us. But there’s one thing I don’t understand.” His bluest-blue eyes bore into mine, and the fine hair on the back of my neck stood on end. He parked his elbows on the table, leaning forward. “How can you not forgive me when you know Cecilia and Robbie needed to end up together? You are tampering with your own happy ending, Arya. And I won’t have that. This is unacceptable. Not just for me but for you.”