‘Don’t touch me,’ she practically yells. Miriam claws back the heat in her tone. ‘Sorry. What I meant was I’m not well. Probably just a bug, but I don’t want you to catch it.’
Miriam does look really ill. I’m upset. I hate seeing her in any kind of pain. I’ve been so selfish that I haven’t even considered the reason she was initially off in the house was because she wasn’t feeling well.
‘My bad.’ With firmness I add, ‘You’re going home to some honey and lemon and a hot-water bottle.’
Before I drive away I give the place I was left as a baby one final lingering look, knowing this will be the last time I ever come here.
CHAPTER 26
No Name
This room is my home now. A place where no one will find me. Or the baby that’s been growing inside me for four months gone now. At least I’ve got my own bathroom and I can go down to the kitchen at night. Only once a night though, I can’t afford for anyone to sus I’m here.
Getting scared isn’t my thing, I pride myself on toughing it out. But let me tell you this; this place friggin’ freaks me out, especially come night. All kinda strange creaks and squeaks. It’s filled with shadows that move but the odd thing is I can’t see what those shadows belong to. Shadows should come from somewhere, shouldn’t they? Sometimes I shove the blanket over my head because I feel the darkness moving at night, like it’s creeping up the bed and ’bout ready to grab me up. Grab up my baby too.
I wanted to go home but the truth of where things stand was explained to me. My family will turn away from me. Turn away from my innocent baby. Over and over I was told the truth until I was sobbing, head hanging worthless and low.
Telling me how it is, it’s not being nasty or anything, it’s just speaking truth. Another truth told to me was that it was all my fault getting pregnant. Y’know, my responsibility to sort out the birth control. If I go home I’ll bring down disgrace upon Mummy’s and Daddy’s heads. Can you imagine the shame my mum will have to take when she goes to church or she sees the neighbours, and having to hear the whispers about her girl with the belly sticking out a mile and no husband on her arm?
And that will only be the start of it. Their out-of-order tongues will be all over Mummy ’bout how her daughter thought she was Miss Snooty with her nose stuck in the air gone off to that university. How her daughter thought she was better than our girls. Well, look at her girl now. Thought you got an education at those university places, not a bun in the oven.
And they’d be right. I’ve let everyone down.
God forgive me, it’s best Mummy thinks that for the last three months I’ve been at university working hard towards being the first person in our family to get a degree.
Truth be told, at the beginning I wanted the baby to go away. Y’know, hope that some juju magic would’ve gone on in the night and I wake up, hey presto, to find the baby gone. That it was all a bad dream. Yeah, right! Then I felt the baby moving inside me. These tiny little feelings like feathers tickling my tummy. That’s when I fell in love with my little one, when I knew I would love her more than anything in the wide, wide world. It’s a girl, I just know.
Do you think university will let me start over again next year?
Loud ’n’ proud. Who’d have believed that was me last year. Now look at me . . .
Shhh! Can you hear that? Creaking downstairs? Is that a voice too? I sometimes think me and baby aren’t the only people here at night.
CHAPTER 27
‘Aren’t you going to work?’
I compress my lips at Joe’s question. He’s standing behind me, deliberately baiting me and I won’t rise to it. I’ve got my laptop up on the breakfast bar trying to find out anything I can about something or somewhere called Pretty Lanes. The last thing I need is Joe to be taking pot shots at me.
‘I’ve just got a few things to sort out,’ I answer, I will admit with enough frost to make the temperature in the room nosedive.
Joe wanted to make love last night and I turned away from him because I was shattered. I’ve never done that before. If one of us isn’t feeling up to it, we’ll always respect the other’s decision and have a little cuddle instead. There were no little cuddles last night. All I could think about was Hope’s bag and an invoice made out to Pretty Lanes.
I feel Joe moving, not with his usual lightness of foot but sluggish. He rounds the breakfast bar, his shadow falling over me. Even though he’s so close the gulf between us is so wide.