Audrey sinks onto the multicolored rug on the floor, sitting cross-legged as she faces me. “It does get easier. You know I struggled at first without Alex, but I’m over it, and we’ve managed to resume our friendship.”
“Do you still love him?”
She drums her fingers on her chin as she stares into space. “I don’t know. There are definitely still feelings there, but I’m reluctant to dig too deep because what’s the point?” She shrugs. “I’ve accepted we can’t be together, and I’m having fun hooking up with random guys. I’m not ready for anything heavy with Alex or anyone else.”
Audrey had a few casual romances this summer, and while I have no genuine desire to kiss anyone but Reeve, I’ll admit I was envious. I’m starved for human touch, and I’m not just talking about sex. I miss Reeve’s arms around me and the adoring way he used to pepper my face with kisses, and I absolutely hate sleeping alone. It’s worse now I’ve just had a week’s reminder, and I’m missing him as much as I did at the start.
“Do you think I should end it with Reeve?”
She shrugs. “I think you should do whatever it takes to be happy.” She scoots closer, taking my hands. “I don’t want to see you moping again this year. These are the best years of our lives and you should be enjoying college more than you are. I hate seeing you so unhappy.”
“I still love him, Audrey,” I quietly admit. “Sometimes, I wish I didn’t, because it would make the decision easier.”
“I know.” She nods, squeezing my hands tighter.
“The thought of letting him go kills me.” I wrench my hand from hers, rubbing it across the sudden tight pain in my chest. “But it feels like I’m slowly dying inside. We might be technically together, but we’re not really. It feels like I’ve already lost my boyfriend, because I hardly ever get to see him, and our phone calls are tense and filled with all the things we aren’t saying. I think we’re both clinging on by our fingernails.”
“I’m sorry, babe. I wish I had a crystal ball and I could tell you what to do, but it’s got to be your decision.”
“I know.” Leaning on my side on the couch, I slide my hands under my face. “I can’t imagine my life without Reeve in it, and I’m counting down the days until he’s finished with these wretched films.”
“The last movie doesn’t premiere for a year and a half. That’s a long time to hang on when you’re miserable.”
“He’ll finish filming with her by next summer, so it’s only a year. I feel I owe it to my relationship to go the distance.”
She tosses her long red hair behind her shoulders. “Don’t hate me for saying this, but are you sure you’re hanging on for the right reasons?”
I purse my lips, urging her to continue with a nod, though I’m sure I know what she’s going to say.
“Are you sure this is about love and not about one-upping that bitch?”
“You mean would I cling to Reeve if I didn’t love him anymore purely to spite that slut?”
She nods.
“If I didn’t love him, I would let him go. But I do love him, Rey. I’ve thought of nothing else for months, and he’s the love of my life. That hasn’t changed, even if I’m so mad at him sometimes I could scream. And yes, you’re right, I’m also afraid to cut him loose and send him running straight into her arms.”
“It’s a valid concern, but you’ve got to put yourself first, Viv. That’s what Reeve is doing. Just promise me you’re making the right decisions for you.”
“I’m trying to, but honestly, I think I’m a little depressed. I’m not sure I’m in the right frame of mind to be making the best decisions for me.”
Audrey climbs onto the couch and hugs me. “You’re going to get through this, and I’ve got your back.”
“Love you.” I hold my friend tight. “I couldn’t have gotten through this past year without you.”
“You supported me too. That’s what friends do.”
“You need to call Reeve,” Audrey says, plonking into the seat beside me in the cafeteria, wearing a furious expression. It’s mid-November, and our sophomore year is well underway by now. I was the first to arrive at our usual lunch table, and our other friends are still standing in line at the counter.
“What now?” I ask, sighing in resignation. I know the angry look she’s sporting doesn’t mean anything good.