As if he hadn’t paused to consider this side of things, my side, the shitty, helpless fucking side, his muscles go limp and he falls into the chair across from me. Mason drops his head back, staring up at the ceiling in defeat, because he gets it now. He knows what I know.
That you can’t.
You. Just. Fucking. Can’t.
Chapter 41
Noah
* * *
A little over twenty minutes of my sitting beside her bedside passes before her eyes begin to flutter open, and I force as much of a smile as I can muster.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Honey, you should have woken me.” She places her palm over mine, and as she gets a better look at me, her face falls. “Noah, no. Is Ari… did she not make —”
“No, no, she’s okay.” I shake my head, my voice hoarse and thick with exhaustion.
“Noah?”
I bite the inside of my cheek, looking away as my eyes begin to cloud.
Outside of being a young boy, my mom has only seen me cry once, and that was the day I came here to tell her about Ari’s accident.
In the eleven days Ari was out, I wouldn’t leave the hospital, but when the doc would make his rounds, asking us to clear the room while he and the nurse ran through her vitals, I’d run over here to see my mom, something I could never do during the football season, and thank fucking god for those few minutes I was forced to step away from my baby’s bedside. If I didn’t have that little time with my mom, I’m not sure what I would have done.
It might have only been for twenty or so minutes at a time, less on days she herself would get too anxious and tell me to hurry back to my girl, but it was the only thing that kept me sane.
But I don’t feel sane anymore.
My mom squeezes my hand, and I drop my chin to my chest, pulling in a full breath.
“She doesn’t remember me, Mom.” I look to her, her face blurry from the mess my eyes threaten to make. “She woke up, but she woke to a world I wasn’t a part of.”
My mom’s shaky inhale has me swallowing, trying to be a soldier for her sake, like she always does for me, but I can’t find a drop of inner strength inside me, and the look in my mom’s eyes says I don’t have to.
“Come here, baby.” She tugs on my hand, and I allow my body to fall against hers.
Her hand rubs along my back, and I hate that I’ve come here like this, that I’ve pulled her into my nightmare, but she wouldn’t have it any other way.
I close my eyes, reminding myself I’m lucky I’m not alone in life, that I need to be grateful for the things I have, but my mind fights back, screaming for me to shut the fuck up.
That I am alone.
That I do have nothing.
Because what will my life be without Arianna Johnson?
Empty, that’s what.
Ari
* * *
“I think I want to know,” I admit, and Mason’s anxious gaze finds me.
He steps around the doctor, coming to stand near Cameron on my opposite side. They share a look, both facing me.
“Ari,” Mason grasps my hand as he drops onto the bed beside me, a torn expression carved along his face. “You sure that’s a good idea? The doc just said—”
“That it could be triggering or traumatic, I know, I was listening, but what do you think waking up and realizing your mind is stuck in July feels like?” Proof of my botched emotions warms my cheeks, and Mason’s grip tightens. “I need to know why everyone is looking at me like I’m not even me. Did my life really change that much in one semester?”
Mason looks down, his eyes glossy when they finally rise to mine.
“Why don’t we pause on that a moment okay,” Dr. Brian intervenes. “And get back to understanding where we are. Does that sound all right with you?”
Mason waits until I nod to face forward.
“Okay, as you said, the last thing you remember is leaving the beach, correct?”
An anxiousness pulls at me, but I clear my throat. “Yeah. We spent the end of summer at our beach house, but I left a little earlier than planned. I remember leaving, but I don’t remember the drive or getting back to my house.”
“You mentioned bright lights?”
I close my eyes, thinking back.
It was nighttime when I stepped out of the door, my dad’s truck waiting for me to climb inside for the trip home. I crossed the roadway, and I saw a truck parked a few ways down. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought it might have been Chase. Before I could get a better look, the headlights flicked on. I lifted my arm, trying to see past the shine, but it didn’t help.