The time was worth the torment.
Especially when I was forced to face what I tried to deny, a possibility I hadn’t thought of before.
Falling in love with me didn’t mean she fell out of love with him.
It meant she loved us both.
I want her to love me more.
Spinning the ring my mom gave me in my pocket, I close my eyes, picturing the smile on my mom’s face the other day. It didn’t even click then, like it should have.
That was her last sunny day.
The last time her soul would shine over this cruel world before it took her from it. From me.
People say that day comes once you’ve accepted the end of your life; it’s that last burst of energy and final laughter with the ones you love, shielded as faux hope.
My mother loved only two people when she died, one was me, and the other is the girl who doesn’t remember her.
How could she accept the end when she didn’t know where it led?
Shame falls over me at the thought, and I say a silent prayer, thanking whoever will listen for the dream she was given before it was time for her to let go.
She saw me happy and that was all she ever wanted from this world.
Her son’s happiness.
I’ll do what I can to give that to you, mom. I’ll find it.
Somewhere.
Paige’s hand falls to my shoulder, and blindly, I reach up, accepting the warmth it offers, as on the inside, a frostiness is taking over, and I don’t know how to stop it.
A second hand falls to my knee, and I look up to find Mrs. Johnson’s kind eyes. “Everyone’s outside now,” she whispers, reaching up to touch my cheek, just as my mother had, and something soothes within me.
I nod and she straightens. I watch as she walks over to Ari and perches on the chair behind her. Ari, who is staring right at me, and doesn’t look away as I rise to my feet.
Clearing my throat, I gather everyone’s attention, and the chatter around us stops.
“I um…” I clear my throat again, unable to find my bearings, unsure of what I want to say and wishing I didn’t ask Mrs. Johnson to let me know when a good time might be to speak, but as I look up, right into the softest, most perfect pair of brown eyes, the words become clear.
“I woke up at dawn today. The sun hadn’t risen yet, and you couldn’t see past your hand, the fog was so thick. I knew I was about to walk through a nightmare, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to make it to nightfall, but then you showed up.” I speak, staring into Ari’s eyes, watching as hers grow glossy, before I face everyone. “See, my mom, she was a selfless woman, the most selfless person I’ve ever known, in fact. All my life I witnessed her going out of her way to help and please others, taking little to no care for herself. It took me a long time to realize that was how she liked it.
“If she wasn’t doing something to make my or someone else’s life better, then she wasn’t doing it at all. She was kind and generous in that way.” I square my shoulders, looking around the groups of people. “I thought I’d stand before the pastor today, just me and my mom, and I thought that was all I needed, but I was wrong. She deserved more than that.”
“She…” I hesitate, looking to Ari once more. “She told me once all she ever wanted was to be a mom a child would be proud of, and she accomplished that.” A curious, thoughtful frown builds along Ari’s forehead, and I look away. “She deserved to be honored by the people who respected her life’s mission, and that mission was raising me, so it means the world to have all of you here because I know you value our friendship. In doing so, you’ve made my mom’s one dream come true. Today was bearable because all of you were with me.”
Ari clutches her chest.
Because you were with me.
“If my mother was here, she’d thank you for coming, but not for her, not even on a day that’s meant to remember her. She’d thank you for me, so I want to do what she never would, and I want to ask you to think of her a moment. Not me.”
A moment of silence falls over the group and then Mr. Johnson steps up, wrapping me in a hug.
A few others walk to me to pay their respects on their way out, and the moment I can break free, I do.
I don’t mean to, but I can’t help but wonder if she’ll chase me down the sand as she chased him.
When twenty minutes go by, I accept the answer for what it is.
Fucking painful.
Chapter 48
Arianna
* * *
The ocean is much like life, ever-changing and unpredictable. I’ve always found that to be the beauty behind it, but lately, I wonder if that’s true.