By the time the sun rises, I’m already getting out of the shower and heading straight for the first place I felt the need to be.
As I suspected, she’s up and spots me through the bay window.
With a small smile, Payton pushes open the door, her hair a messy pile on her head, her eyes tired.
“Ari, hi.” She ushers me in, retaking her place at the counter, where she’s mixing a bottle for her son. “What are you doing up so early?”
“I… Payton.”
Her eyes lift to mine.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” She frowns.
When I pin her with a knowing look, she sighs, walks over and wraps her arms around me.
“Trust me, Ari. I understand.”
I nod, squeezing her back and blowing out a long breath when she lets go.
“Any chance you could use a little more sleep?”
Nerves swim through me as her steps pause, and she glances over her shoulder. But then she walks to me. “I could use an uninterrupted shower…”
Chewing at my lip, I nod, take the bottle from Payton’s hands and curve around the corner.
I step up to the bassinet, quickly turning to Payton before she’s gone.
“Payton.”
She halts.
“Thank you.”
With a small smile, she nods, and then she disappears down the hall.
I run my hands along the edge of the plush blue blanket, and as my face comes into view, Deaton’s eyes find me.
“Hey, buddy,” I whisper, chuckling when he kicks his feet.
With a deep breath, I gently lift him into my arms, his little cooing sounds warming parts of me I was afraid to feel.
As I lower into the rocking chair with him in my arms, moisture builds in my eyes, but it’s not from sadness. I’m not really sure what it’s from. All I know is that the baby in my arms is precious. He latches onto the bottle with ease, his hands coming up to cover mine as if he’s determined to hold the thing himself, and a low laugh leaves me.
“Already trying to be a man.”
I look over to find my brother stepping through the kitchen.
“Hey.” I squint, looking him over. “I didn’t know you were up.”
He nods, comes to sit beside me, and as soon as Deaton spots him, he smiles around the nipple of the bottle. Mason chuckles. “What’s up, my man?”
“Or maybe you didn’t know I was up. Mase?”
He shrugs, falling into the chair on the couch beside me. “I walk over in the mornings sometimes. Parker’s gone for work a lot and Kenra stays busy too.”
My eyes narrow, but he says nothing else.
Mason looks from the baby to me, his features softening. “I was wondering when you’d make it down here.”
“Yeah,” I whisper, running my fingers over Deaton’s soft hair. “Me too.”
Holding an infant brings a sense of peace like nothing else can. It’s as if time slows, and your lungs open beyond their ability. It’s like holding your breath and breathing deep at the same time, an unmatchable warmth that fills you from head to toe.
“You okay?” my brother whispers.
“I am,” I answer honestly, my hand tingling as I run the pad of my thumb over the baby’s soft cheeks. “I wish I would have spent more time with him over the last few weeks.”
I look to my brother, and he nods, but a small frown builds as he stares at the little boy in my arms. “If you did, it uh, might make it a little harder for you to leave tomorrow.”
“Is it?” I wonder.
He looks to me.
“Is it going to be harder for you to leave tomorrow?”
Mason’s chest rises, but again, speaks not a word, and worry washes over me.
“Mase…” I shake my head. “She’s not ready.”
“I know.” His eyes fall to Deaton.
Several minutes go by, and it’s not until I’m lowering the baby into his bassinet, sound asleep, that Mason speaks again.
“What are you going to do, Ari?” he asks. “About Noah and Chase?”
Shaking my head, I turn to him. “I don’t know.”
“What’s your heart telling you?”
Shame falls over me as I whisper, “That I want what I always have and that maybe it’s finally mine.”
“That he is finally yours, you mean?” I look down and he continues, “I know you, and I know learning a little bit about you and Noah has made things harder for you.”
“I just… I don’t want to hurt anyone.”