My mouth opens, but I clamp it shut, offering instead a small nod.
“You sure?” he prompts.
“I… ” I sigh, caving a little. “I had a tough couple months, but I’m feeling better now.”
“Better, or a little better?”
“Depends on the day.”
His features tighten at my honesty, and his shoulders fall. His brown eyes search mine. “If something was wrong, if you needed me, you’d tell me, right? Even though I can be an ass sometimes, you’d never not come to me if you needed me?”
“If I needed you, when I need you, I won’t hesitate, you know that,” I answer him quietly and truthfully, and the corner of his mouth lifts. “But maybe it needs to be said that sometimes, there will be things you won’t want to hear, and those will be the things I decide not to share.”
His jaw tightens, and he looks away, but when his eyes come back to mine, they’re soft. “That’s fair.” He nods. “I love you, you know. More than anyone.”
I smile and lean in to hug him. “Yeah, Mase. I know.”
The sorrow in my tone is accidental, but he hears it. My brother simply doesn’t understand it, which is why he’s frustrated with me.
He has no idea he dug a Hoover Dam sized hole between Chase and me because I didn’t tell him we leap without looking. He knows something, but he doesn’t have the slightest clue how deep that something runs. In his mind, everything he does related to me stems from protection, but what he’s very, very slowly beginning to understand, is we’re not children anymore. Some things he can’t and shouldn’t shield me from.
Regardless, only a fool would push the blame on Mason.
He might have been the one to blow out the match, but Chase is the one who tossed it in the ocean.
That was a decision he had to make, to push me away or pull me closer, and he decided to push.
And that’s okay.
If there was one thing I wish he and I had, it would have been the opportunity for us to figure out together we weren’t meant to be. Maybe then I could have worked up to the point of understanding, without all the mess.
It sucks to hurt for a man you never even had.
The pain within me makes itself known at random, and that pain stems from a love that never even lived. One that never had a chance to flourish.
It’s that feeling of being robbed that stings more than anything at this point, but if there’s a positive to take away from this experience, it’s that growth can only come from heartache.
How else are you supposed to discover what you truly want?
What you refuse to let go of?
What you deserve in a partner?
I don’t think you can possibly know without the hurt to force your hand.
I want someone’s all.
I want someone’s all and absolutely nothing less.
Chase couldn’t give me that and maybe I should be thankful he realized before things got any deeper.
Maybe that’s my way of finding an excuse for a shitty move.
I sigh, stepping back.
“Ari,” Mason calls, sensing my retreat. “I miss hanging out with you. Stay?”
With a squashed smile, I wrap my arms around my brother, and as I look over his shoulder, the universe decides to test me.
My eyes lock with golden-brown ones.
“I’m not going anywhere.” I pull back, flicking the tray of cooked meat. “Should I take this to the tables?”
“If you could.” Mason nods, turning back to the grill.
On my way toward the rows of food, I catch Chase’s eyes from across the yard once more, but this time, I’m the one who looks away.
A hand slips in front of me, nudging a bowl of pasta out of the way, and I lower the mountain of chicken onto the tablecloth.
“So your brother got the cooking gene,” Noah teases.
I nudge him with my arm, pinching down the edges of the tinfoil. “How hard can it be to flip chicken?”
“Who knew that’s all there was to barbecuing?” he jokes. “Flip it and you’re good.”
I cross my arms and face him with a playful glare.
Noah chuckles, his gaze flicking in the direction I plan to ignore. “I have to go, but I wanted to say bye first.”
“You didn’t have to come back just to tell me that. You could have texted me.”
He nods, his blue eyes searching my face. “I don’t get a whole lot of free time on the weekends, but maybe you want to do something during the week? The cooking lessons are still on the table.”
“That’s because you haven’t seen how bad I am yet.”