“Not saying we have to be friends, but you could at least not act like an uninspiring wench.”
“Do you expect me to have a conversation with you?”
“That’s what normal people usually do when they share a meal together. Unless there’s a new trend I’m unaware of.”
Just then, Helix comes up the stairs with glasses of water balanced precariously on his tray. After he sets them on the table, he stuffs his tray under his arm and says, “Good evening. Our hostess has informed me that we have a happy love nest up here.”
The deadpan look on Kelsey’s face almost makes me fall out of my chair in laughter, but I hold it together in fear of what would happen to me if I did laugh. After all, there are two knives on this table.
“We’re in a bit of a rush, so if you don’t mind, we’d like to order, eat, and then get the hell out of here.”
“Jesus,” I whisper. “Don’t be rude to the guy.”
Kelsey lets out a slow breath and then plasters on a smile. “I’m sorry. Helix, is it?”
Helix nods.
“You see, when I signed up for this app, I was under the impression that I’d be set up with someone I might actually be interested in. I had all the hope of meeting someone interesting, someone complex, someone fun. I was truly planning on making a deep connection tonight.” Her eyes snap to mine. “And when I say deep connection, I mean mentally . . . not physically.”
I just grin.
“But you see, Helix, instead of meeting someone who could have the potential to sweep me off my feet, I was matched with this insolent, vexatious human who thinks more highly of the hangnail on his finger than the people around him. Unfortunately, I work with him and I know enough about him to understand that there’s nothing—and I mean absolutely nothing—we have in common. Therefore—”
“That’s not what the readout on your profiles says.” Helix clutches the tray tightly.
Kelsey blinks. “Excuse me?”
“I heard there might be some trouble up here in paradise, and sometimes, when that happens, we print out the reason the computer connected you both. Would you like me to read it to you?”
“No,” Kelsey says.
“Yes,” I say at the same time. “I would love nothing more than to hear why Kelsey and I are suited for each other.” I cross my ankle over my knee as I scoot back my chair and prepare myself for what I can only imagine will be an absolutely enlightening experience for me and a horrific experience for Kelsey.
From his pocket, Helix pulls out a piece of paper and clears his throat. “You were one of our highest matches in the system with a ninety-seven percent probable success rate.”
HA!
Steam flies out of Kelsey’s ears as my grin just keeps growing wider and wider.
“RosesAreRed and ManWearsPants.” Helix turns to me. “Great name, by the way.”
I nod at him. “Thank you.”
“Oh my God,” Kelsey groans. “There’s absolutely no imagination to that name.”
“As if RosesAreRed is a poetic masterpiece,” I reply. “Might as well have called yourself PointsOutTheObvious.”
Kelsey juts her hand at me and looks at Helix. “See what I’m talking about? Insufferable.”
Looking slightly weary, Helix takes a step back and continues reading. “RosesAreRed and ManWearsPants are both business owners within the Los Angeles area.”
“Whoa, that’s a surprise to no one.” Kelsey folds her arms over her chest and, honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this upset. One of the things I’ve always found interesting about Kelsey is her ability to stay composed, even when under an immense amount of pressure. She never shows emotion, but tonight, I’m experiencing a new side of her. I kind of like it.
“From reviewing their backgrounds, we’ve established likeness in parent abandonment.”
Kelsey falls silent.
“The desire to achieve, and a direct match in fears such as failure, not being loved, and being alone.”
Her eyes flash to mine as I quickly look away. Okay, what the fuck is that shit? Sure, we filled out a questionnaire, but what kind of invasive background check was done to figure that out?
“It also determined that where RosesAreRed is very structured and amorous in thought, ManWearsPants can be pessimistic with an apathetic attitude, making these two puzzle pieces fit closely together, creating a continuous balance for a healthy relationship.” Helix stuffs his paper back in his pocket and then holds up a pen and paper. “Now, what can I get you two for dinner?”