“I think so.” He gives his eyes one more swipe. “Oh man, any more of those golden insults you have stored away?”
“I don’t know. Do you have any other names to call me other than fishwife?”
“Sure do . . . uptight gorgon.”
What the hell is a gorgon? Doesn’t matter, it’s a hideous name, doesn’t fall off the tongue.
And to hell if I’m going to let him get away with calling me . . . that.
My eyes narrow. “Half-cracked ignoramus.”
“Fastidious wench.”
My jaw clenches. “Cynical ninny.”
He cracks a smile. “Pretentious strumpet.”
The sound of Helix climbing the stairs momentarily distracts me before I say, “Callous cockhead.”
Now he’s full-on smiling. “Simpering concubine.”
“Strumpet and concubine would allude to me being loose with my legs and I can guarantee you right now, there’s nothing loose about my appendages.”
“Uh . . . everything okay?” Helix asks, stepping up to the table.
“Maybe you should be loose, have someone fish that pole out of your ass that you seem to be clenching.” JP crosses his arms, looking like the casual butthole that he is.
“Would you guys like the check?” Helix asks.
“So, I have a pole up my ass because I’m not fainting at your feet over your nonsensical drivel and squawky singing?”
“Squawky?” JP asks, insulted. “Try again. There’s nothing squawky about my singing.”
“Yeah, I’ll just, uh, go grab that check. I’m thinking dessert isn’t a thing tonight.” Helix takes off while JP and I share an unwavering stare down.
“I’ve heard cats in heat sound better than what I’ve had to suffer through tonight.”
“You’re so full of shit.” He tosses his napkin on the table. “I saw you bobbing your head.”
“Oh, you’re cute thinking that was bobbing, more like twitching from how horrendous you sounded. You sure know how to make someone’s muscles fire off in revolt.”
“Is that supposed to be funny? Because it’s not.”
I clutch at my chest. “Have I hurt your man feelings?”
Helix approaches again and sets the check on the table. Both of us reach for it at the same time.
“Let go,” JP says.
“There’s no way in hell I’m letting you pay for this meal,” I counter. He might have ruined this night, and I’ll forever have “Doe, a deer” stuck in my freaking head, but to hell if I’m going to let him pay.
Ohhhhh no.
“Over my dead and squawking body will I let you pay.”
“Here are your phones,” Helix says, sounding nervous. He should be. Shots have been fired, our voices are raised, we’re engaging in the stare down of a lifetime, and with one wrong move, this powder keg of a date will explode. “I’ll just set them down here.” He slowly places the phones on the table, careful not to disrupt anything, and then cautiously backs away.
Smart, smart man.
“Fine.” I let go of the check but reach into my purse to pull out a few twenties. I set them on the table. “There, paid my half.”
“Pick that fucking money up right now. You’re not paying.”
“Why not? I can afford it. Your brother pays me pretty well.”
“This isn’t a money thing.”
“Then what is it?” I counter. “A pride thing?”
“Yeah, I always pay for a goddamn meal when I take someone out on a date.”
“Well, you didn’t take me out on a date, as this was an unfortunate coincidence. This was a loathsome, mind-numbingly pitiful tryst. Trust me, if this was a real date, it would not have gone like this.”
“If this was a real date, I would’ve bent you over this table and spanked your ass for the way you’ve spoken to me.”
My eyes widen. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me.” He picks up my twenties and stuffs them into his pocket before pulling out two, one-hundred-dollar bills and dropping them on the table. There’s no way dinner cost that much. Not even close.
Always trying to show off. Ugh, pretentious prick.
Everyone, please offer JP applause: he has money, good for him. Clearly, he wants to make a show of it.
But back to what he said. “That’s outrageous behavior. No one spanks women these days.”
He stands from the table and buttons his suit jacket. “Clearly you haven’t been with the right men.”