She looked at his hands instead. They were strong: long fingers, muscular, with prominent tendons that made her want to bend down and bite. Turning his hand palm up, she ran her fingertips over the paths of lines there. Except for random cuts and scrapes, his skin was mostly unmarred and smooth. His hands were only mildly calloused, nails meticulous. There was no sun damage, no scars. They were city hands. These hands belonged to a man who lived in a high-rise and jogged in an urban park and would get a promotion when he returned home.
She and Leo were from two different worlds.
She bent, resting her lips on his knuckles, and began the mental process of saying goodbye. Her stubbornness had served her well, even if it was a double-edged sword. It meant she was unbending, but it also meant she was a survivor.
So she told him, while he was sleeping, that she was sorry. She knew she was uncompromising, but she couldn’t move to New York. And she didn’t want him to move to Hester, either, didn’t want him to pretend he could be happy in a town that had one general store–café and one bar. He might think he remembered what it was like to be in the middle of nowhere, but the only time in his life he’d come close, he was falling in love on a beautiful ranch with a well-stocked kitchen and the luxurious semblance of “rustic.” Leo Grady didn’t have any idea what it would feel like to have to drive one hundred miles to a Target.
But even when she laid out the justification for pulling away, she realized—objectively—it wasn’t healthy to be so unwilling to try. She heard Leo’s arguments in her head, saying they could figure it out, that there was a way forward. She knew Nicole would yell at her that if she was so miserable without him, why not come up with a solution. But Lily wouldn’t, and when Leo opened his eyes and sleepily blinked at her, and then smiled in relief, she knew exactly why: because when he’d left her before, what was hardest was the way it let a tiny voice take up permanent residence in her mind, telling her she wasn’t worth it. She hadn’t been enough for her mom to stay, wasn’t enough for her dad to stick around for long. And Leo had never come back for her. Lily had survived all of that, but she didn’t think she could survive trying to make it work with Leo again only for him to realize she wasn’t worth living in the middle of nowhere.
“Uh-oh,” Leo said, drowsily reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “She looks serious.”
She tried to laugh, but it came out thick like a sob. She hadn’t realized her eyes had filled until the wet heat of tears streaked down her face. What was it with her and crying lately? She was not a fan.
Leo frowned and reached forward to swipe at her cheek with a thumb. “Lily, there’s… a watery substance coming from your eyeballs.”
She smacked his hands away, laughing through tears. “Shut up.”
He gazed at her. His eyes were so soft and adoring, they pulled a sharply defensive “What?” out of her.
But Leo laughed. “Not yet, sweetheart.”
“Not yet what?”
“You can’t break up with me yet.”
Pulling back, she reminded him, “We aren’t even together.”
He grinned at this, eyes sparkling. “Wow, you are delusional. Two people who ‘aren’t even together’ don’t make love the way we did.”
“Leo, we already talk—”
“I know what we talked about.” He reached out, sweetly capturing her chin between his thumb and forefinger. “I’m not giving up.”
Heat filled her chest, and she knocked his hand away again. “You don’t get to decide for me.”
“But you can decide for me?” he asked, but gently.
So gently, in fact, that she was left staring at him in mute shock.
“Anyway,” he said, rolling onward, “I’m not deciding for you. I’ve just decided—for me—to not give up on us.” Unruffled, he tucked his hand back beneath his cheek. “For me, unless you tell me to get out of your life and never contact you again, I’ll be here.” He gazed at her steadily. “Do you want me to get out of your life and never contact you again?”
When she couldn’t pull an answer from the foggy cloud in her mind, he nodded. “Good, because all of those voices in your head telling you that I wouldn’t be happy with you long-term or you’re not worth giving up my life for are just thoughts, Lil. Just because thoughts are loud or constant doesn’t mean they’re right.”
“You left me,” she said starkly. “I know why, but still. You promised before that we would be together forever, and I can’t hurt like that again.”