After a few minutes, I calmed down enough to let her go and grab a tissue. “Sorry,” I said before blowing my nose. “I just made a mess of your shirt.”
“Forget my shirt,” she said. “Ell, are you sure? About the—the—” She gestured vaguely at my stomach.
“Baby,” I said, grabbing a second tissue. “And there’s no use avoiding the word, because I’m as sure as two positive pregnancy tests can be.”
“What if it was a false positive?”
“Twice?” I blew my nose again. “No. Plus, it explains a lot of other symptoms. I have not felt right in a month. And this morning, I popped a fucking button off my pants.”
For a second, I thought Winnie was going to laugh, but she just pressed her lips together. “Is it . . . from the time with Gianni?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“You guys didn’t use protection?”
“We did,” I protested. “Every time! Except—except for those five minutes.”
“Five minutes?”
“We got a little carried away the second night, and there were a few minutes we didn’t use a condom. But I guess that’s all it took. Or else the condoms failed.”
Winnie sighed. “It doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“Nope. It sure doesn’t.” I closed my eyes, fighting off more tears. “God, Winnie. What am I going to do?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I want to go back in time and tell him to get off me!”
She couldn’t quite hide her smile. “I bet.”
“It was just a blizzard bang!” I started pacing. “It wasn’t supposed to count! You even said it wouldn’t count!”
“Yeah, I guess I didn’t exactly think it through this far.”
“Clearly we didn’t either.” I stopped moving and buried my face in my hands. “Oh, God. I have to tell him, don’t I?”
“Yes, Ellie. You do.”
“Jesus, I have to tell my parents too.”
“Well, yes. I mean, they’d probably notice the belly eventually.”
I sank into the chair again. “My dad will be so disappointed. And my mother . . . I cannot even imagine what my mother will say.”
Winnie knelt at my feet, placing a hand on my arm. “She’ll be supportive, Ellie. They both will. I mean, maybe they’ll even be happy.”
“I’m about to make Mia a grandmother, Winnie. Does that strike you as something she’ll be happy about?”
“Umm . . .” Winnie looked to the left.
“God.” I dropped my face into my hands. “This is such a nightmare. I don’t know what to do. I’m too young for this. And Gianni is worse.”
“You could give the baby up for adoption,” Winnie suggested. “My aunt April did that when she got pregnant at eighteen. She said she couldn’t give the baby the kind of life he would deserve, and it was the hardest thing she’s ever done, but it was right. You’ve met my cousin Chip—he’s had an amazing life!”
“I thought about Chip today,” I said quietly. “But I just don’t think I could give a baby up. I’m not a teenager. I’m done with school, and I have a good job and a beautiful home. I could give a child a good life, I’m just . . . scared.”
“Don’t be.” She squeezed my hand. “You’ll be a great mom, even if you have to do it on your own.”
“Oh, I’ll definitely have to do it on my own. Gianni is on his way out of here in one month.”
“But he doesn’t know about the baby,” Winnie argued.
“Doesn’t matter.” I shook my head, every ounce of my body alive with stubborn refusal. “Gianni and I talked about this, and he does not want to stay here. He said he wasn’t sure he ever wanted a family, let alone right now, and I’m not about to tie him down with one.”
“Maybe he’ll change his mind once he—”
“No.” I dug in my heels. “I will not be the reason he doesn’t chase his dreams, or the person he blames for being stuck in a dead-end life.”
“Ellie, I know you’re mad at him, but I’ve known Gianni a long time, and I don’t think he’d ever do that.”
“Fine, but I’m going to make it clear that I don’t expect anything from him. I don’t want to be his obligation. I can take care of myself. And this baby.” I put a hand over my stomach, and a shiver moved through me. It was the first time I’d thought of the little being in my belly in any concrete way. Suddenly I found myself wondering whether it was a boy or girl. What color eyes he’d have. What color her hair might be.