Panicked that he’d see the emotion in my eyes, I lowered my gaze to my lap. “I’m trying.”
He put his fingers beneath my chin, forcing me to look at him. When he spoke, his voice was soft. “You really want me to leave?”
I gave the only answer I could and prayed he’d believe it. “Yes.”
“Why, Ellie?” He slipped his hand to the back of my neck and pulled me toward him. His forehead rested against mine. I felt his breath on my lips. “Are you so sure we shouldn’t do this together? All of it?”
“What do you mean?”
But instead of answering, he kissed me, and it was all I wanted—to be swept away by the stroke of his tongue, and the insistence of his mouth, and the grip of his hand on the back of my neck that said mine.
He broke the kiss, breathing hard. “I mean, what about us?”
“But there is no us, Gianni.” It broke my heart to say it. “There was never an us.”
“There could be.”
“No! Be realistic. This baby wasn’t conceived out of love—it was conceived because we were bored! But you don’t need to be punished for it, and that’s what staying here with me would feel like to you—a jail sentence.”
“You don’t know how it would feel to me,” he said irritably. “Don’t put words in my mouth.”
“That’s not what I’m doing!”
“Because my feelings are all over the place, and my dad made me feel like a terrible person.”
“That’s not a good reason to be with me, Gianni. Jesus Christ.” Tears spilled over and I wiped at them angrily. “I never know where I stand with you. I never know when something is just about your ego or if it’s real. And I don’t trust you to really stay. I’m sorry, but I don’t. Because I’ll never believe that I’m what you want.”
“God.” He rubbed his face with both hands. “Everything I say is wrong. I’ve never been good with words. I should have read more books.”
Even at a time like this, he could make me laugh, but that only made me feel worse. “We can be friends, Gianni.” I struggled to keep my voice steady as I pushed away the one person I wanted to hold close. “But that’s it, okay? Let’s not pretend we’re anything more.”
He exhaled, defeated. “If that’s what you want. But don’t . . . shut me out, okay? I want to be part of this.” Hesitantly, he reached out and touched my stomach, and it was so sweet I nearly broke down and begged him to love me.
Instead, I opened the door and ran into the house.
Once the kitchen door was shut behind me, I leaned back against it and sobbed, furious with myself for letting him get to me, with his dad for making him feel bad, with Gianni for being sweet when I really just needed him to be his old self—an unapologetic man-child only out for a good time.
Because he didn’t really want me. He wasn’t saying that. He was just ashamed that his father had scolded him. His feelings hadn’t changed just because I was pregnant with his child. Even if he thought he wanted to play dad for a while, he’d get tired of it. He’d leave me behind and move on. Deep down, he wanted fame, fortune, and the rush of the next new thing.
I wanted love. Home. The security of family and belonging.
And if I wasn’t careful, I’d end up wanting it all with him.
Upstairs in my bedroom, I curled up in my bed and made the call I’d been dreading.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mom.”
“Ellie! I was just thinking about you! At the pastry shop today, I bought a tartelette au citron because it reminded me of you when you were a little girl. They were always your favorite.” She laughed. “And you’d lick the filling out before you ate the pastry.”
I nodded as I started to cry again, the sound of her voice taking me back to childhood. She’d been such a good mom—always there when I needed her, with a hug or a word of advice or a smile. It wasn’t her fault she was perfect and I’d never live up. And of course she’d had high expectations for me—wouldn’t I have the same for my child? Now I had to disappoint her when she didn’t deserve it.
“Your dad reminded me of—honey? What’s wrong?”
“Can you come home, Mom?”
“Ellie, what is it?”
“I need you,” I wept. “I need you and I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry, love? Of course I can come home if you need me. But tell me what’s wrong—are you okay?”