The image shifted again, and something that looked vaguely like the shape of a baby lying on its back appeared. “So there’s the head,” said Beth, “and there’s the bum. And see that flickering? That’s the heart.”
“That’s the heart beating? We can see that already?” My throat was so tight I could hardly talk.
“Yes. Want to hear it?”
“Can we?” Ellie asked.
“Sure.” Beth clicked something, and the room was filled with a scratchy, rhythmic sound. The lump in my throat ballooned, and the screen grew blurry.
“It’s so fast,” Ellie said.
Beth was reassuring. “That’s normal for first trimester.”
Ellie looked at me, and her eyes were wet too. I wanted to say something and couldn’t. I squeezed her hand.
“Can I take a video?” My voice sounded odd to me, weak and raw, like I had a sore throat.
“Of course,” said Beth.
I pulled out my phone and took a video of the screen, capturing the sound of the heartbeat and the graph at the bottom.
Ellie sniffed and looked at the screen again. “Does everything look okay?”
“Everything looks fine.” Beth went on about spine development, organ functioning, length, and weight. But I was mesmerized by the little creature on the screen, by the sound of its heart, and by the rush of feelings it inspired.
“Can you tell if it’s a boy or girl?”
“Not yet. That will be at your next ultrasound appointment, probably around eighteen to twenty weeks.” Beth paused. “If you want to know. Some people like to be surprised.”
“We’ve had enough surprises,” said Ellie. “I definitely want to know.”
A few minutes later, the scan was finished and Beth told Ellie she could get dressed.
“Excuse me,” I said. “I’m just going to use the restroom. Is there a dad’s bathroom or anything?”
Beth laughed. “You can use the one down the hall on the left.”
I told Ellie I’d be right back and left the room. Inside the bathroom, I splashed cold water on my face and looked at myself in the small mirror over the sink. I hardly recognized myself.
But I knew three things.
I was going to be a father.
I was going to be a good father.
I was going to do everything in my power to make things right between Ellie and me.
I’d always trusted my gut instincts, which usually told me when it was time to move on to the next place, take the next risk, chase the next thrill. But today when I’d heard that little heartbeat and saw those tiny feet and looked into Ellie’s brown eyes, my gut hadn’t told me to run.
It told me to stay.
I didn’t sleep that night. I just lay there in the dark, the sound of the baby’s heart on a loop in my head, each tiny little beat reaffirming what I needed to do.
But how could I convince Ellie to let me try?
The next morning, I sought out Winnie. Knocking on her open office door, I poked my head in. “Hi. Got a minute?”
“Hey, Gianni.” She checked her phone. “Sure. I have a wedding couple coming in at ten, but I have a few minutes. Sit down.”
I took a seat opposite her. “I just brought Ellie some scones from your mom.”
Winnie laughed. “Between the two of us, we’re going to bury her in those things.”
“She says it’s one of the only foods that tastes good to her, so I don’t mind stopping on the way in.”
“That’s nice of you. I’ll stop bringing them, so she associates all the good feelings with you.”
“Thanks.” I hesitated. “That’s actually what I came to ask you about.”
“Oh?”
My leg was bouncing up and down, an old habit. “Ellie hates me,” I blurted. “Is there any way to change that?”
“I don’t think she hates you, Gianni,” Winnie said hesitantly. “I think her feelings are more complicated than that.”
“Yesterday was the ultrasound, and it just . . .” I tried to put into words what it had done to me. “It hit me really hard.”
“Ellie said everything went well.”
“It did go well. The baby is fine.” I couldn’t help smiling. “We got to hear the heartbeat.”
“That’s amazing.”
“Yeah. It really was. It made me feel so close to Ellie, and she even let me hold her hand, but the moment it was over, she was so distant again. She said nothing on the ride home.” Closing my eyes, I exhaled. “I know I’ve given her a lot of reasons to doubt I can be good for her, but I really want to try.” I opened my eyes and looked at Winnie with desperation. “You know her better than anybody. Can you give me some tips to make her like me?”