“Fuck,” said Hutton.
“It confused me. I didn’t understand why my mother would have a bed somewhere else.” I took a breath. “My dad said he was tired of the arguing and she should just say what she wanted, and her answer was, ‘I want out.’”
“And she didn’t want to take you guys with her?”
I almost laughed. “No. But she wouldn’t have been able to anyway. The first thing my dad said was, ‘The girls stay with me.’”
He smiled. “Good for your dad.”
“He’s the best. And that did make me feel good—at least my dad still loved me. But it messed with my head, you know? Hearing my mother say those things. Up to that point, I thought all moms wanted kids. Suddenly that wasn’t true. My mother didn’t want me.” I sighed. “I went back into the bedroom and over to the desk where Millie had been working on a project for school, and I picked up the scissors. That was the first time I cut my hair.”
“Ah.”
“The next morning, everyone asked me why I’d done it, and I made something up. I never told anyone what I’d overheard.”
“Never?”
I shook my head. “No. I was scared of getting in trouble. All I could think of was that a good girl would not have listened. I was young, but I knew eavesdropping was wrong. I didn’t want my dad to be mad, I didn’t want my sisters to be hurt, and I was too ashamed to tell my friends. When they asked me why my mom moved out, I lied and said she had to go take care of her sick grandmother in Georgia.”
“That’s a lot of baggage for a kid to carry around.”
“It was. But I survived.”
He nodded. “I’m curious. What made you tell me at the library?”
“Honestly?” I reached for my wine again and finished it. Plunking the empty glass down, I said, “I have to confess—it was kind of an accident.”
Hutton got up, went to the wine fridge, and pulled out a new bottle. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you know how I sometimes say random things when I get nervous?”
“Like being engaged to a billionaire?” He worked the cork from the bottle with a noisy pop. “That our wedding is next month?”
I laughed. “Exactly. The library was one of those times.”
“What were you nervous about at the library?”
Heat rushed my face and I put my hands over my cheeks. “It’s too embarrassing. I can’t tell you.”
“Come on.” He poured us both more wine.
“You’re going to laugh at me.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay. I was nervous because I thought you might kiss me.”
“And you didn’t want me to.” He sat down again.
“What?” I stared at him in disbelief. “No! I totally wanted you to. But I’d never kissed a boy before, and I had no idea how to do it. I was like, ‘What if it’s awkward? What if my glasses get in the way? What do I do with my gum?’ Then I panicked.”
He started to chuckle. “Sorry, I know I said I wouldn’t laugh, but the two of us were having the exact same moment of panic. I wanted to kiss you and couldn’t bring myself to make a move. My head was racing with all these ways it could go wrong, and I wasn’t sure you even wanted me to kiss you in the first place. I thought maybe I was misreading the signs.”
“You weren’t,” I said, shaking my head. “God, can you imagine what we must have looked like? Sitting there on the edges of our seats, our faces inches apart . . .”
“I was sweating buckets,” said Hutton. “It was probably dripping off my forehead.”
“I didn’t notice. But it felt like an eternity went by and nothing happened, so I figured you must not see me like that. I had to say something to break the tension, and for whatever reason, the thing about my mom came out.”
“I remember having no clue what to say. So I wrote the encoded note.”
I smiled. “That was the perfect response. It made me feel better.”
“Good.”
We sat there for a moment, not touching our food or wine, just looking at each other. It was like time had rolled backward, and we were in the library all over again. If I were someone else, I thought, Millie or Winnie or anyone else, I’d get up and sit on his lap. I’d straddle his thighs and put my hands in his hair and tell him it’s time we gave ourselves a second chance at that first kiss. Just thinking about it made my heart beat faster.