“‘Trampled by a cow’ might be a thing. ‘Eaten by a cow’ is definitely not—in any way, ever—a thing.”
“The point is, I was licked. By its green tongue. I didn’t even know cows had green tongues.”
Jack’s expression got totally hijacked by amusement now. He closed his eyes, then opened them. “Cows don’t have green tongues. It’s the cud.”
I stared at him.
“It’s grass,” he said. “It’s regurgitated grass.”
“What!” I thrashed around, trying to wipe off my already-dry arm again on my sundress.
Watching this made Jack actually laugh. He leaned forward and rested his forehead on the steering wheel, and I watched his shoulders shake.
“What?” I said. “It’s legitimately disgusting.”
This just made his shoulders shake harder.
“What is so funny?”
Now he leaned back against the headrest, still laughing. “You’re afraid of cows.”
“Um, hello? We are outnumbered.” I looked around. “We are totally surrounded. I mean, what happens now? Do we just have to live here?”
But Jack just kept laughing. “I thought it would be a banana spider, at least.”
“You think I’d be scared of a spider?”
“You’ve clearly never seen a banana spider.”
“Can you just get us out of here, please?”
“Now I kind of want to stay. This could be a reality show.” Then his face just relaxed into a big grin. “My money’s on the cows.”
I glared at him until he put the car in drive and slowly eased forward into the herd. I put my hand over my eyes, but after a second, I had to look. The herd was moving for us, stepping away, like Whatever.
As he turned off the gravel road and into the field, steering a bumpy and wide U-turn over ant beds and thistle bushes, Jack just kept laughing, wiping at tears with one hand and steering with the other.
“Oh God,” he said finally, as we pulled back up onto the gravel, now driving away from the house, back toward town. “Thank you so much.”
“What are you thanking me for?” I asked.
But Jack just shook his head in amazement. “I did not expect to laugh today.”
Nine
BY THE TIME we made it back to Jack’s house in the city, I was ready for some relief.
Everything about that trip to the country was destabilizing—from the dress I was wearing to the cow attack.
I was not going to love being undercover.
But the team had taken the day to finish outfitting the city house, and so the garage was now set up as an onsite security headquarters. More surveillance cameras were up and operational—mostly outside, around the perimeter, in spots where stalkers were most likely to lurk, supplementing the ones at his back door, the patio, and inside his front hallway.
We wouldn’t be here all the time. He was only threat level yellow, after all. I’d put in a regular, twelve-hour shift and then Jack would be on his own for the night. We’d instruct him, again, to read the handbook and make good choices on his own—and we’d monitor the security cameras for significant movement. Different members of the team would be on call.
All this was standard.
Once we got back to the house, I could fall into my normal role. I changed out of the dress, which somehow felt too fluttery to allow me to do my job right, and back into a pantsuit, and then I stood just outside Jack’s door in the at-ease position. Me and the fiddle-leaf fig.
The plan was this: On normal days in the city with Jack, I would be the primary agent, staying with him wherever he went during my shift. Doghouse was the secondary agent, as backup. And then there was a remote team of Taylor and Amadi doing light remote surveillance—mostly monitoring the cameras.
Kelly wasn’t involved. Glenn had decided the socks with Jack’s face were a dealbreaker.
Robby wasn’t on the team, either. I wouldn’t have expected Glenn to pass up an opportunity to force us to work together. Glenn was a big fan of punishment. Especially if he could mete it out himself.
But it wasn’t my job to question him. No Robby was fine with me.
On the days that Jack and I had to visit his parents, the teams would flip: Taylor and Amadi would be primary agents, doing heavy surveillance remotely with Doghouse, and I would be secondary, a set of eyes and ears on the inside, but mostly just there to not blow my cover.
It goes without saying that I preferred being primary.
I also preferred being able to do my job right.