“You should buy that,” she said. “It’s perfect for you.”
“Do you think?” Beth asked.
“Oh, yes.” Mariana took the shawl, wound it over Beth’s shoulders, and stood back. “It’s beautiful. You look like a woman who can conquer anything.”
Beth didn’t feel like a woman who could conquer anything, but in that moment it didn’t matter. That was what Mariana saw when she looked at her, and it made her feel better than she had in weeks, maybe ever. She bought the shawl.
The few men at the Edengate Plaza looked at them that day. They looked at Mariana, beautiful and blond and pale, the scarf wound in her hair. They looked at Beth, nineteen and sultry without even trying. For once, Beth didn’t mind. It was nice to be looked at, to be admired. They ate hamburgers at the nearby burger place, and they shopped some more before finally going home.
And then, as they pulled into the driveway, Mariana cried out in joy: “Lily!”
Beth looked, and the coldness came back, the darkness starting to lower again. Because Lily was sitting on the front steps of the Greer mansion, wearing jeans and a poncho, waiting for them to come home. And Mariana’s joy wasn’t forced or false anymore. It was genuine.
Lily stood as Mariana got out of the car, closing the door behind her, forgetting her packages, forgetting Beth. She nearly ran toward her first daughter, and her expression lit up. She stopped a few feet short of Lily, unwilling to hug her, though clearly wishing to. Hugs repulsed Lily, so Mariana touched her lightly instead, brushing her fingertips over Lily’s shoulders, her face.
“You’re so thin,” Mariana said as Beth slowly got out of the car. Lily had lost weight. Her face was thin, and she wasn’t wearing any makeup. The poncho was worn and had holes at the seams, and Beth knew that part wasn’t a put-on; Lily must be broke. She herself hadn’t sent Lily any money in months.
“Where have you been?” Mariana was asking, too excited to wait for an answer. “You’ll have to tell me everything. Are you okay? I’ve been so worried about you. When did you get back?”
“This morning.” As Lily spoke, she looked past their mother at Beth, a smile in her eyes. We know a secret, that smile said.
She was ruining everything, everything. She was a monster. “Mother,” Beth said, holding Lily’s gaze.
“Beth, please.” Mariana barely glanced at her. To Lily she said, “Why don’t you come in? I’ll make you a lemonade.”
“Mother,” Beth said, louder.
Mariana turned and snapped at her, her good mood from their outing gone. “Beth, you’re being rude.”
“No, please,” Lily said. She put her hand on Mariana’s arm, and Mariana stared at the contact, stunned. “I want to hear what she has to say. What is it you’d like to tell us, Beth?”
Beth stared at them. At Lily, so thin and waifish under her poncho after years on the road. At Mariana, beaming at this one small touch from her daughter, her firstborn. The bitter girl, not the sweet.
She killed Julian. Beth was supposed to say the words. She broke into the house and shot him in the face. She shot your husband and left him dead on the kitchen floor. Don’t you care? Doesn’t anyone care?
No one would believe her. And if she could ever prove it was true, it would kill Mariana. It would crush her forever.
It was over. This nice day, her mother’s attention, the possibility that anything good could start to happen. Beth had been a fool to enjoy herself, even for a few hours, but she couldn’t bring herself to regret it. She could still feel the warming sun in her hair, still hear Neil Diamond on the radio, still hear Mariana say “honey.” She could still feel that echo of the moment when she looked like she could conquer anything.