It’s three in the morning. I can’t do this anymore. Have to go to sleep.
I managed to get home from school by four, so I thought I could get done early. I practiced piano for an hour, and then Shawn came over. My parents told him to stay for dinner, even though I didn’t really want that. I have things to do. He hung out to “study” with me in the rec room, even though he didn’t want to study and I actually did. I sat on the beanbag and he was sulking on the sofa, pretending to read The Catcher in the Rye. I finally told him to go around eight, because I could feel him looking at me and I couldn’t concentrate. He complained. My mom brought down some Pepsi, so he dragged that out. It took him an hour to drink it, like it was a magical bottomless glass. Finally, he left just after nine, and I got down to my physics project.
When I was done, I put my headphones on and listened to Fleetwood Mac in the dark, sitting on the floor. This album,
Rumours, is supposed to be about how everyone in the band was breaking up with each other even as they had to work together. Stevie and Lindsey are clearly fighting. You can hear it. It started to rain while I was sitting there, and Stevie was singing “When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know.” And in that moment, I did know.
I don’t want to go out with Shawn anymore. I want to break up. Yes. Even as I write this, I realize it’s true. The rain is washing me clean, and I do know.
Oh my god, I’m going to break up with him.
I feel good. Like, good in a way that I haven’t felt in a while.
Now they’re singing “You can go your own way.” Are they singing to me?
Thank you, Lindsey. Thank you, Stevie.
This is the last time I count the hours I spent on subjects, because after this, my hours will be mine:
Piano: 1 hour
Calc: 25 minutes
German: 45 minutes
English: 45 minutes （reading）
History: 1 hour （reading）
Physics: 3 hours
Shawn: done.
APRIL 6, 1978
I’ve decided to do it this weekend. Somewhere neutral. Somewhere I can get out of. I’m thinking the Dairy Duchess.
APRIL 8, 1978
What a goddamned nightmare.
APRIL 9, 1978
I couldn’t write about it yesterday. It was too much.
I met him at Dairy Duchess. I thought it would take me forever to get to it, so I jumped ahead. I said, “I think we should break up.”
He stared at me. It was obvious he had no idea this was about to happen. I think maybe he thought I was kidding at first? I started to say it again. He said, “No.” Not mean. Not angry. Just confused? I started to panic, because he looked so baffled and sad.
I don’t want to go into detail about what happened for the next hour. There was a lot of crying. From him. I just sat there. He was begging me. In public.
I left him there and biked home.
Then I had to tell my family what I’d done. They freaked out in a way I did not expect. My parents didn’t exactly yell at me, but they definitely gave me the third degree about it, like was I sure? Was I acting in haste? I swear to god they asked me more about this than where I was applying to college. I mentioned this, very calmly, and my mom said, “You can go to college anywhere, but you only marry one person.”
Which doesn’t even make sense.
I said I’m not like them. I don’t want to marry someone from high school and be here forever. And they gave some lip service, saying they knew that, but Shawn is so wonderful, blah, blah, blah and prom etc.