“Where are you two living these days?” he asked Mom.
“California. Rance is getting work out there.”
“That’s great,” he said. “Yeah, I think about doing that, too. But I keep putting off the move because I do the Christmas show at Radio City every year. What brings you back?”
“We’re here on a publicity trip.”
As I nibbled on my cheese sandwich, Felix cocked his head sideways, studying me with a squint. “Is this . . . is this Opie?” he said.
Mom nodded, beaming.
“Well, that’s terrific. You kids turned out just great.”
It was bizarre to hear someone describe my parents as kids. But as Felix and Mom gossiped and reminisced, I felt like I was traveling back in time. Here was Mom as she was before motherhood: playful, brassy, funny, and girlish, the feisty runaway bride.
When we finished lunch and began putting on our coats, Felix positioned himself next to me so that we stood side by side. At four foot nine, I was just a tad taller than him. “I could be a standin for you!” he said, forever hustling, as actors will.
After Felix and Mom said their goodbyes, she was on a high: her beloved New York City had delivered as it always did. It was at that moment, in fact, that she told me, for the first time, the bizarre, storybook circumstances in which she and Dad had tied the knot—the hurried ceremony in the Kentucky hotel lobby, the repurposed Cinderella dress, the joyful reception with their theater-troupe comrades.
11
One Role, Three Bears
CLINT
When the family reunited in Florida, it was always a blast. Miami had tons of recreational activities and I had a brother to play with again. Ron even appeared in a couple of episodes of the show, though it was hard for him to work outdoors in Florida. I tan easily, but I am not a pale redhead. The South Florida sun burned poor Ron to a crisp. I don’t know how Andy Griffith and Sheldon Leonard felt when he returned to work pink and peeling.
We also hung out as a family with Dennis Weaver’s family. It was an easy fit. Dennis had his college ties to Mom and Dad, and Dennis’s wife, Gerry, was a lovely, down-to-earth woman. On top of that, they had sons our age. The Howards and the Weavers aligned perfectly except in one way: they were vegetarians.
Dennis was the original tree-hugger and health-food nut. The man had eight-pack abs until he died in his eighties, God bless him. When the Weavers invited us to a barbecue, Dad solemnly spoke with Ron and me beforehand. “Now, boys,” he said, “there are going to be hamburgers and hot dogs, but they won’t be normal hamburgers and hot dogs. They’ll be made of soy.”
Plant-based food products in the 1960s were not what they are today. So I struggled to choke down my soy dog. Where the hell was my PB&J when I needed it?
RON
As I mentioned, Dad and Clint’s long stays in Florida were a challenge to Mom. But Gentle Ben also brought her joy—joy in seeing her second son succeed like her first, and joy simply in the time that she got to spend with her family in the Sunshine State. The moment The Andy Griffith Show went on hiatus, Mom and I dashed off to Miami.
The very first time we went, we were bowled over by Dad and Clint’s sweet setup: a large, sprawling rental house right on the Intracoastal Waterway. If we’d had a boat, we could have docked it in our backyard.
Unfortunately, I had a bout of food poisoning on our first night there. It unfolded the usual way: suddenly, a few hours after a nice dinner. I rose slowly from my bed and crawled my way through the unfamiliar house to the bathroom, where I puked. Then I knocked on the door of Mom and Dad’s bedroom. “Mom, Dad,” I said, “I’m really sick.”
There was no answer. So I knocked a little louder and repeated that I was unwell. Still no answer. But then, as I put my ear to the door, I heard sounds—sounds of moaning, of ecstasy. It took me a while to figure it out: my parents were doing it! In the moment, as deathly ill as I felt, I actually stepped back from myself to think, Wow, is it possible that when you’re having sex, it temporarily ruins your hearing? Creepy!