The Viking thinks he wouldn’t actually mind a cup of tea. His whole plan doesn’t seem at all right now he’s here, with a gun in his hand, and a tiny old woman asking him polite questions. ‘OK, yes, please, just with milk. I have a dispute with Viktor.’
Joyce walks through the open archway into the kitchen, and talks to him over her shoulder. ‘What sort of dispute?’
‘I launder money,’ says the Viking. ‘Through cryptocurrency. Viktor tells his clients to steer clear of me. Says it’s too risky. It is costing me a great deal of money. If I kill him, my problem is over.’
‘Oh, you poor love, that must be difficult,’ says Joyce. ‘Alan, I have literally just fed you.’
‘When are you expecting him?’
‘You tell me,’ says Joyce, teaspoon clinking in a mug. ‘He’s at an opera, if you can believe that. Might as well settle in. Can I ask you a question?’
‘You won’t persuade me not to kill him,’ says the Viking. ‘It is my destiny.’
‘No, no,’ says Joyce, walking back into the room with two mugs of tea, one with a picture of a motorbike on it, one with a floral scene. ‘Which mug do you fancy?’
‘Motorbike please,’ says the Viking. Joyce sits down with a satisfied sigh. ‘What’s your question?’
‘Cryptocurrency,’ says Joyce. ‘It’s not really all that risky, is it?’
‘Very risky,’ says the Viking. ‘Which is OK for money-laundering.’
‘Even Ethereum?’ asks Joyce. ‘Is that risky?’
The Viking takes a sip of his tea. ‘You know Ethereum?’
‘I have fifteen thousand pounds invested in it,’ says Joyce. ‘Everyone on Instagram seems very confident.’
‘Can you show me your account?’ says the Viking. Honestly, amateurs will be the death of him. Cryptocurrency is complicated. One day it will be very important, but today it is the wild west. Tiny old women should not be investing in Ethereum. Joyce opens up a page on her laptop and hands it to him.
‘I only use the laptop for trading and for writing my diary,’ she says. ‘You’ll be in it tonight if you don’t kill me.’
‘I’m not going to kill you,’ says the Viking, but he knows he still might have to. He checks Joyce’s Ethereum account, currently worth just under two thousand pounds. ‘Do you mind if I move things around a little? I will need your password.’
‘It’s Poppy82, capital p,’ says Joyce. ‘And be my guest. If you promise not to kill Viktor, then there are biscuits too.’
‘Sorry, mind made up,’ says the Viking, as he drinks more of his tea, and launches Joyce’s laptop into one of the more disreputable corners of the dark web. Playing on the computer relaxes him a little, as this is where he is at home. His heart rate slows, and he realizes how nervous he has been. The dog starts to lick his hand. He gently pushes Alan away, and rubs his eyes with his unlicked hand.
The Viking moves Joyce’s money into two separate accounts. There were still bargains to be had if you knew where to look. There was still gold glinting in the streams, but not where everyone else was panning. The Viking feels this is the least he can do after breaking into Joyce’s flat. If he doesn’t kill her, she will make a tidy profit. Joyce is saying something now, but it isn’t making sense. He is thirsty again. He looks up at Joyce, but his head is heavy. He starts a sentence.
‘Could I get a …’ Get a what? What’s the word? ‘Uh …’
Alan is licking his face now. Why is he on the floor?
60
Ron is aware that we live in a bright new world of sexual politics.