She took some paté and sausages out of the refrigerator for their dinner. Joachim made a salad, and she heated some artichoke soup she had had for dinner the night before. It was an adequate meal and suited them both. She waited until they sat down to ask him about the trip.
“So how was it?” she asked Joachim with a tender look. Buenos Aires felt like another lifetime, and it was for her. It was still the home of her childhood and youth, where she had lived with her father and first husband, and where her sons had been born. She had a million memories that she rarely allowed herself to think of now. She had twenty-five years of memories in France to balance them, but knowing he had been in the city she had loved so much touched her heart, and she always hoped for some news of Javier.
“It was even more beautiful than I remembered,” Joachim admitted. “I have such happy memories there as a boy. There’s an undercurrent of sadness there now. The economy isn’t good, and people are suffering because of it, but there’s no place like it.” He still felt Argentine in some ways, and had maintained his citizenship, although thanks to his stepfather he had a French passport too, and was a dual national, French and Argentine. He had only lived in Paris for his student years, and five aimless years after that, when he pined for his brother and felt lost without him. And he had lived in England now for almost half his life. He felt an allegiance to all three countries. But he had a particular nostalgia for Argentina, because of his boyhood there. It had been a time of innocence for him, and he remembered it as a happy, carefree time. Once he left Argentina, he had been separated from his twin, which had been painful for him for many years. He accepted that a part of his soul was linked to Javier forever, perhaps because they were twins, which was a special bond. Sometimes it was hard for him to know where he ended, and Javier began, they had been like one person for so long during the early part of their lives.
“I don’t think I’ll go back, but it was nice seeing old friends, and all our familiar haunts,” Joachim continued, and he knew what his mother was thinking.
“Did you have any news of Javier?” she asked him immediately. There was pain in her eyes the moment she spoke.
He sighed before he answered, not sure how much to tell her. But she was strong, and he felt he owed her the truth, as much of it as he knew. “Not much. Nothing we didn’t know or haven’t heard before. I contacted Felipe MacPherson,” one of his old friends from school, with a Scottish father and Argentine mother. “He’s high up with the police and has the right connections to find out. He said when last sighted, Javier was still in Colombia, working for some very bad people. I’m not sure how high Javier is in the organization, and Felipe said he moves around. We’ve heard it before, Mama. When he disappeared, he joined the dark forces that have poisoned life there. I think he’s lost to us. But at least he’s still alive.”
“I’ve always felt he was,” she said, her shoulders drooping as she said it. “I always knew he had this in him right from the beginning. He’s not like you. He makes me think of Cain and Abel. I’m almost glad you did not see him or find him. I don’t want him to hurt you.” He thought his mother was dramatizing the situation, but admittedly, Javier was hanging out with, and presumably working for, the worst element of Argentine society, and the drug cartels in Colombia.
“Our life is here now,” Joachim said. “There’s nothing for us to go back to there. And even if we tried, we couldn’t find him. If he is as deeply embedded in the drug business as Felipe says, he’s probably in hiding. We’ll never get to him, unless he wants to find us. And he won’t come here.”
“You’re right not to go back,” his mother confirmed. “I don’t want you to. Leave it alone now. Francois said that too before he died. The people Javier is involved with are too dangerous. I was worried about your going this time, but I didn’t think it fair to stop you. I know you’ve missed it.”
“I needed to go back. I’ve wanted to for a long time. I’ve done it. I made my peace with it. It’s in the past for both of us.” She nodded agreement and had decided that for herself a long time before when she married Francois. She’d never gone back. The only remaining tie for her, like an unsevered umbilical cord, was the fact that her son was still there. But even that had slowly eroded with time, and was only a thin thread now, not strong enough to hold her fast. Her tie to Joachim was much stronger.