“Then we had this moment while putting Jo to bed, and Lindy wanted to … take things further, but I asked her to wait.”
“That also makes sense. Especially if you wanted to make things clear.”
I nod. “But she was so weird yesterday, and I know it was a crazy day, but she hardly spoke to me all morning. Like, it seemed like she regretted what happened—even though nothing happened. Maybe she regretted asking me or was embarrassed? I don’t know. She wouldn’t touch me, wouldn’t talk to me. She barely looked at me. Then the court stuff happened.”
“And this is where I get confused,” Harper says. “What happened to prompt you to have a DTR talk right in the heat of the moment?”
Sinking deeper on the couch, I let my head fall back and close my eyes. I’d been elated to hear that Rachel dropped her petition and terminated her rights. I may be an optimist, but even I hadn’t hoped for that outcome. I almost vaulted over the little barrier separating my row from where Lindy sat. But I managed to keep myself under control, counting down the seconds until I could wrap Lindy up in a hug.
You did it, I wanted to tell her. We did it. Let’s go home!
And then … Lindy seemed to forget all about me. It’s understandable that she sought out Jo. But I watched the two of them embrace, feeling like an outsider. They weren’t thinking of me or missing me. It was like Lindy and Jo reverted right back to the duo they’d been before Lindy needed my help. James’s words echoed in my head about being used, about needing to know where I stand.
I’d seen the sum of all my fears realized in that moment. I’m not needed. Heck, I didn’t even feel wanted in that moment. It’s like I didn’t exist.
“It’s like she didn’t even remember I was there,” I admit.
“Tell me why you think that.”
I lean forward again, dropping my hands between my knees so I can scratch my ankle again. “Maybe it sounds dumb, but I didn’t feel like part of the celebration. I know I haven’t been in their lives long, but I feel tied to them.” I thump my chest. “They’re here, you know? I thought we were becoming a family. It’s what I’ve always wanted, and in that courtroom, I was just watching on the outside.”
Harper nods. Smoky nudges me, and I scratch his belly until he rolls over in a most unbecoming manner. The heaviness has eased a little, but now I just feel thin and empty.
“I kept thinking about what James said, and I knew he was right—”
“Let me stop you right there.” Harper shoots me a questioning gaze. “Where does James fit into this picture?”
“We had lunch the day before the hearing. I talked to him about Lindy, and he said it sounded like she was using me.” Harper starts to say something, but I keep going. “I told him he was wrong about that, but he was right about one thing—I need Lindy to make a decision. I’ve put myself out there again and again. I need to know where she stands.”
Harper gives me a long look, one that I think is intended to make me think about what I’ve done. But I’m tired of thinking. My mind is just running in circles, and each thought seems to be making the ruts in the road deeper. I’m sinking. And I’m just so tired.
Suddenly, Harper stands and holds out her hand. Smoky is already on his feet, tongue lolling. “Come on, big brother.”
I put my hand in hers and let her pull me up. I don’t make it easy, but my sister is no lightweight. “Where are we going?”
“Outside.”
There’s a chill in the air, but it’s refreshing, and a little of the mess in my head starts to clear. Smoky takes off for the yard, where he chases off some birds and finds trees needing his proverbial name on them. Harper walks to the edge of the patio, where steam rises off the heated pool. The water looks ethereal, pink and orange reflecting on the surface. Harper and I stand shoulder to shoulder, looking out over the water and the brightening sky.