Lulu→Jazz
Dear Mr. A,
I’m sorry, but as Mr. DeSantis hired me, it would be awkward for me to work on replacing him.
Sincerely, Lulu Kisarian
3rd Assistant to Jazz Attenborough
Jazz Attenborough→Carmine DeSantis
Need new 3rd assistant. Lulu is hopeless. Also pls accept Undersea Cave-Warlock role in MERMANCE, contingent upon Kitty Jackson accepting the role of MerQueen.
10
Alex Applebaum→Bennie Salazar
Dear Bennie,
Good news first: The voice work with Bosco has gone well. Warm milk, in abundant supply here （more cows than people, as they say）， seems to calm the raspiness. I’ve rearranged the Conduits’ 15 greatest hits to accommodate his higher range.
Bad news: Bosco on his own will sound, at best, good （not even very good）。
Bosco tells me that Jazz Attenborough （as in, the actor） is planning to attend his recording session. Huge fan apparently. Attenborough appeared in musicals early in his career and his singing voice was strong and clear （see below for recording links）。 What if we invited Attenborough to sing with Bosco?
Even if Attenborough agrees and sounds good （big ifs）， any shot at greatness will have to be supplied by the accompanist and the context/moment, à la Scotty Hausmann’s Footprint Concert. Ah, where are Scotty and Lulu when we need them?
Alex
P.S. Where ARE Scotty and Lulu these days （serious question）？
Bennie Salazar→Jocelyn Li Hi Joc
Listen, I have a proposal for Scotty that is really a proposal for both of you. Bosco is coming to LA to record some Conduits classics acoustically, and I’m wondering if Scotty would be willing to accompany him on slide guitar?
xxB
Jocelyn→Bennie
Hi Bennie, he says sure. We love the Conduits! I had a HUGE crush on Bosco back in the day （don’t tell Scotty）。 xxJoc Bennie→Jocelyn
Aces. Ok if Jazz Attenborough （yep, THAT one） joins on vocals?
Bennie Salazar→Jocelyn Li; Alex Applebaum
Joc, Alex,
Putting you two together to work out details of this recording session. Jocelyn and I are high school bandmates （along with Scotty） from that cult sensation the Flaming Dildos. Joc has a beautiful singing voice, as I was reminded recently when we sang karaoke together. Alex was the silent partner in the Footprint Concert and thus instrumental to Scotty’s world fame and the resurrection of yours truly’s career.
So here we are, conniving once again to bump Scotty’s reputation, along with Bosco’s and—let’s be honest—my own and that of everyone else over 60 striving for cultural relevance in a world that seems to happen in a nonexistent “place” that we can’t even find unless our kids （or grandkids!） show it to us. The only route to relevance at our age is through tongue-in-cheek nostalgia, but that is not—let me be very clear—our ultimate ambition. Tongue-in-cheek nostalgia is merely the portal, the candy house, if you will, through which we hope to lure in a new generation and bewitch them.
The thing that changes everything: isn’t that always the goal?
Ok, enough rhetoric. Can you two take it from here?
B
11
Bennie Salazar→Stephanie Salazar
Steph,
I now find myself in exactly the position you were in a few weeks ago: eager to tell the story of a day whose twists only you will appreciate. Does this mean we should’ve stayed married? （Kidding! Your tennis career wouldn’t have happened with me around, and Lupa somehow puts up with me.） We decide to do the recording at Lou Kline’s old place （now Melora’s, but she was on the road） because it’s got the private beach and dock and lets us go directly from a speedboat ride into a recording session. I wasn’t sure if Jocelyn would be willing to go back to Lou’s house—talk about bad vibes—but she was game to return as a survivor. So she and Scotty arrive around noon and Lupa and I are already there with Alex, a sound guy I’ve worked with on and off since the Footprint. We break out the J?germeister in Scotty’s honor and have a toast at Lou’s big table with the piles of wax in the middle （It’s still there, can you believe it?） under the chandelier with all those candles in it. Scotty’s in great form—the new teeth are a big improvement over that bright-white set, and he’s a happy man with Joc. I had a good feeling even before Scotty started playing the new arrangements on slide, but when I heard them, I thought holy shit: they actually sounded better, more contemporary and just all-around better, than the originals. I knew then that it was going to be great, no matter what Bosco and Jazz Attenborough sounded like. We’d already done it.