“Are you in therapy now?”
“I said it’s not a big deal.”
Charlie hesitates, then crosses the room and sits beside Dev, their thighs lined up against an ugly hotel comforter. Charlie doesn’t say anything, but it’s not his usual awkward silence. It’s silence as invitation. He reaches for Dev’s hand. Interlaces their fingers.
“They’re just little funks,” Dev insists, “and I don’t usually get this way during work.”
Charlie squeezes Dev’s hand. “You… you know night one, after the boyfriend punched me in the face, when you asked me why I came on the show?”
Dev isn’t sure where this is coming from, but he nods.
Charlie takes three deep breaths. “The truth is, I got fired from WinHan. From my own company. I had a breakdown. Well, I had a lot of breakdowns, actually, but one really big breakdown at our quarterly board meeting. I started to have a panic attack, and I tried to excuse myself from the room, but Josh blocked the door and wouldn’t let me leave, because they needed my vote for some expansion he’d had proposed. You’ve seen how it is when I have a panic attack. It was… Rumors started going around, that I was unstable. Crazy.”
Charlie takes an unsteady breath, and Dev knows he shouldn’t. He does it anyway. He winds his free hand into Charlie’s hair, teases apart the curls until Charlie leans into the comforting touch. “Anyway, Josh was worried my reputation was going to cost him investors. There was an emergency vote of no confidence, and I was removed as CTO. Parisa tried to spin the story, bury the reason I was removed from the company, but it didn’t matter. The rumors still got out.”
He pauses, and Dev explodes. “That’s such bullshit! There are so many people who have done actual terrible things who are actively working in tech! Mark Zuckerberg exists! And firing someone for having OCD—that’s got to be illegal. I’m surprised Parisa didn’t sue.”
“Josh never knew about my OCD,” Charlie says quietly. “It’s not something I want people to know about. Which is to say, I get it. I get not wanting to talk about your mental health with most people. But you can talk about it with me. If you ever want to. Okay?”
Dev doesn’t know what to do with what Charlie is offering him.
“You know, you’re good at this,” he jokes. “A conversation like this in front of the cameras, with one of the contestants, would go a long way to earn you sympathy. Of course, we’d have to switch ‘mental health’ for ‘relationship trauma’ or something, but—”
Charlie smiles, but it doesn’t reach his stormy eyes. Charlie has shared something huge and private. He’s flung his doors wide open and he’s inviting Dev to do the same. Dev thinks about the darkness, about drowning, about tiny tragedies. He pulls away his hands. “I really am fine.”
Story notes for editors: Season 37, Episode 6
Story producer:
Ryan Parker
Air date:
Monday, October 18, 2021
Executive producer:
Maureen Scott
Scene: Pre–Crowning Ceremony conversation between Mark Davenport and Charlie Winshaw Location: Shot on location at the Justizpalast in Munich, Germany Mark: Well, here we are. Over halfway through your quest to find love. How are you feeling?
Charlie: Hungry and tired, mostly.
Mark: Fair enough. You’re about to send home two more women, which means you’ll be down to your top six. Do you know who you’re sending home?
Charlie: It’s a difficult choice. All of the women here are so incredible, and I’ve loved my time with all of them.
Mark: Be honest, Charlie. You were skeptical of the process when we started.