I feel like I drank an entire gallon of spoiled milk.
We hang up, and with trembling hands, I type in the web address on my phone. It doesn’t take much digging to find the article…BECAUSE IT’S SPLASHED ACROSS THE HOME PAGE!!
And then it hits me.
Oh no. I did do something terrible last night…and it’s staring back at me in the video under this very lengthy article. I blabbered. Apparently the new friend I met in the bar’s bathroom last night was Kara Holden, gossip journalist for TMZ.
As my sober eyes focus on the bleary-eyed version of myself, a hand reaches into my chest and grabs my lungs. “Oh my gosh! NO NO NO.”
The title of the article reads: STAR QUARTERBACK NATHAN DONELSON IN LOVE WITH BEST FRIEND AND OFF THE MARKET?
“Prepare yourselves, ladies. Longtime friend of Nathan Donelson hints that he may be officially off the market because of her. Local dance instructor Bree Camden claims she and Nathan have been harboring secret feelings for each other since high school. Watch my exclusive interview to hear the full story!”
I swallow down my queasiness then click play. Everything gets worse. Clearly, I’m drunk out of my mind in this video and wielding a Tide-To-Go pen in front of my body like it’s a magical wand.
* * *
Bree: You know…Chherrryyll…
Kara: It’s Kara.
Bree: Mmhmm. Don’t interrupt, izzz not nice. Anyway. I just wanted to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with Nathan Donelson and his you-know-what. winks aggressively His meany ex was just tryin’ to make him look bad because he didn’t want to sleep with her.
Kara: Really? And why do you think he didn’t want to sleep with her?
* * *
No, Bree. Don’t do it.
* * *
Bree: He says isss because of his game. But I think it’s ’cause he’s pining after someone he can’t have. frantically rubbing shirt with Tide pen, looking like a sloppy child
Kara: And who do you think that is?
Bree: leveling pen at Kara We sssspend every day together. We’ve been best of friends for millions of years. It has to be me! Whoelsewoulditbe?
Kara: Wow. That’s exciting. And do you have feelings for Nathan?
Bree: looks thoughtfully at the Tide pen Chhhheryl, if I could…I’d use zisss pen to wipe away every other woman from Nathan’s life. I’d be the only one left. frowns I need to lie down now.
* * *
And that’s when I disappear into the stall and shut the door. The article doesn’t end there though. The next video is captioned, What do we think, friends? Does this look like a man in love? My vote is yes. Place your official vote in the poll below!
The video is shot from behind Nathan, and clearly Kara was filming without his knowledge. My heart twists when I see him squat down in front of me and take my hand. He speaks so tenderly, rubbing his thumb across my knuckles. And I look…smitten. What in the hell, Bree? Why do you have to look like that? Anyone watching this video can see that I practically have glowing heart emojis in my eyes as I stare at him. And he’s in love with me?! HA! No. He looks like a man taking care of a ten-year-old who lost her mommy. There is no way that Bree is attracting any part of Nathan.
I don’t let the video finish playing. I can’t take it anymore.
Nathan and I are the very best of friends, and we’re going to be until we are 90 years old or he gets married and his wife excommunicates me. I never want to lose him, and this crap?! It’s friendship ending. I’ve been so careful to never tiptoe anywhere close to revealing my feelings, but this absurd article is outing me! Now he’s going to get weird on me.