“Kidding.” Nathan glances up at Dylan and then back to me. His eyes aren’t joking anymore. They are just Nathan looking back at me. His eyes shift to one of the curls hanging beside my face, and he tugs it gently. “Tim whisked you off so quickly, and I was just coming to make sure everything is good with you. Do you need anything?”
I swallow, realizing how different this feels than I predicted. His eyes aren’t distant like I’ve seen him look with previous girlfriends when they’re in public. He’s not too busy to check on me. He’s twirling my curl between his finger and thumb. Don’t freak out—it’s probably all for show.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m a little disoriented, but I’ll get used to it.” I regret those words as soon as I say them. I won’t get used to it, because I won’t let myself. No getting comfortable in this life. No enjoying it.
Nathan smiles wider, and he leans in slowly to brush a kiss on my cheek.
Once he goes back to his dressing room, Dylan shakes his head at me in the mirror. “Where’s that manager of yours? I need a bucket of ice to dip my face in.”
I laugh softly and turn my attention back to my tacos, trying to ignore the tugging sensation in my heart.
Later that night, after we pull up in front of my apartment and I sprint out of the SUV, leaving Nathan in my dust by telling him I’m not feeling good, I immediately call the one person I know will help me sort out my ricocheting feelings, the one person I never hide anything from.
“Hello?”
“Lily, something’s wrong!” I say, shutting my front door and leaning my back against it.
“What! What’s wrong?!”
“I had a fantastic day.”
She growls. “I’m going to kill you when I see you next. You gave me a heart attack.”
“I’M THE ONE HAVING A HEART ATTACK!” I say, pressing my hand firmly over my chest like she can see my dramatic performance.
In the words of Mrs. Bennet, she has no sympathy for my poor nerves!
“Okay, hang on. I need to get some ice cream and then you can tell me what happened. DOUG, I’M GOING OUT ON THE PORCH TO TALK TO B.”
Once Lily is settled, I tell her all about filming the commercial. I explain how I was supposed to hate it, feel like a fish out of water, and be counting down the minutes until I could get home and put on my PJs. But none of that happened. I loved every second of it. Once I got used to it, I loved how hectic it was. I loved how all the important people there made me feel like I actually belonged. I thought Nathan’s world was supposed to be like Mean Girls and I wouldn’t be allowed to sit at the cool table because I wasn’t one of them, but everyone was incredibly nice and helpful, and the crew was hilarious. Everyone was joking and playing around in between takes, and it felt so natural to me.
But being next to Nathan through all of it…that was something I can barely explain with words. I’ve seen him in his element countless times, but it’s always from the sidelines wayyyyy far away from where he is. Today, I was with him in the center of it all, and we were focused on each other.
“I don’t know, Lily, but while we were filming, everything was easy. We worked seamlessly together, and even the director commented on how smooth each take went. It all just felt oddly…normal. And fun.”
“And the problem?”
“The problem is that at some point during all of this, I forgot we were pretending to be a couple! I forgot, Lily! And Nathan was…” I sigh remembering the feel of all the little touches he constantly gave me. Remembering the way his hand splayed out firmly on my low back. Remembering how my whole nervous system hummed to life when he smiled at me like I was the only woman in the world for him. “It was nothing like I expected it to be. I don’t know…it was almost like he was feeling what I was feeling.”