She surveyed me, a frown creasing her brow.
‘What?’ I asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
‘Nothing.’ She shook her head. ‘It’s just you’re stronger than you think, Rose Grey.’
‘I don’t know …’
‘You are,’ she said, her voice softer now. ‘The way you escaped Victor. Really, I’m impressed.’ She blew me a kiss and turned back to her cooking.
There was a feeling of anticipation in the air as the three of us made our way to the village that evening. You were walking between us, as usual, holding each of our hands, while Daphne chatted away to you about toffee apples on sticks. I glanced over your head at Daphne. She looked carefree and happy. Not worried at all. Whereas my stomach felt like the inside of a washing-machine, and every time I heard a shout of laughter or a dog barking I’d flinch. It wasn’t just Victor I was worried about. It was the thought of starting a new life away from the village with all its familiarity. I was beginning to doubt moving to Bristol. It was something Daphne had always wanted to do. I think she was worried that if we stayed here someone would eventually come looking for Neil – and find out who she really was. But I’d never liked big cities even though I grew up in London.
But Daphne was right about one thing. If Victor had found me, we had no choice but to move away.
The firework display was being held in a field near the farm where Daphne worked. It was a bit of a trek, for you especially, but you didn’t complain. You were too excited at the prospect of sugary food and fireworks. We followed the throng of people through the village square, over the bridge and towards the farm.
‘At work yesterday Sean told me there’s going to be hot dogs and a bonfire,’ said Daphne to you. You squealed in excitement and clutched our hands tighter. You were too young last year to go to any display.
Sean again. Daphne talked about him a lot. He lived in Chippenham and travelled in every day. She said she saw him as a younger brother, but I worried he wasn’t a good influence on her. Ever since he started at the farm she’d been bringing more items home. Things I wasn’t sure Mick would be very happy about if he knew. She was allowed friends, of course. I never wanted to be a controlling partner. But I couldn’t help my unease. It felt safer to keep our circle as small as we could. And even though I’d never met Sean I’d already made up my mind that I didn’t trust him.
‘It’s quite crowded,’ I said, trying to keep the anxiety from my voice.
‘I think neighbouring villages might have got tickets too,’ she said.
I bristled.
I couldn’t enjoy myself. I watched Daphne lead you around the field, going from one stall to another while I hovered behind, like a bouncer on high alert, still terrified that Victor might be looking for me. It was dark with a fine drizzle in the air. I could see your pink and red bobble wobbling as you followed Daphne around, your hand tightly in hers. ‘Make sure you don’t let go of her hand,’ I said to Daphne. I must have sounded stern because Daphne’s eyes widened in surprise and hurt, as she said that, yes, of course she would. ‘I’d guard this child with my life,’ she said.
I lurked behind you both when you stopped at the toffee-apple stall. ‘Shouldn’t she have a hot dog first?’ I said, leaning over, but Daphne was already placing the toffee apple in your eager hand.
‘Sorry,’ she mouthed over her shoulder, not looking sorry at all.
I felt too wound up to eat so wasn’t bothered when Daphne bypassed the hot-dog stand, snaking her way through the crowd with you, to the front. The huge bonfire was already lit, the smoke billowing and dispersing into the damp night. People jostled next to us, clutching polystyrene cups, and I could hear the faint tinny music coming from one of the nearby stalls. You leapt up and down in front of us, your excitement palpable, until I had to put my hands on your shoulders to stop you. ‘You’ll wear yourself out.’ I tried to laugh but it stuck in my throat.