揧ou can say what you want about me, but leave my mother out of it.?My voice cracks at the end and I turn away from him, staring into my purse, as if searching for my keys when all I抦 really trying to do is hold it together.
揧ou抮e right,?he says, turning me toward him. 揂nd I抦 so fucking sorry.?
I want to continue lashing out, but there抯 something so gentle and genuine in his gaze that I can抰 do it. His hand is on my hip. We are standing close enough for me to smell his soap, to make out the glints of gold in his eyes, to see up close just how much he needs to shave. I picture how that scruff would feel beneath my lips.
揑t抯 okay,?I say quietly. 揑t抯 just a sore spot.?
His eyes travel over my face, land on my mouth. His breathing is shallow and so is mine.
I want him to kiss me. I want it more than I抳e ever wanted anything.
The realization hits all at once, shocking and terrifying, and I stumble away, heading straight for the elevator.
And he stands there, frozen, watching me go.
15
Kyle and I had begun dating in September. By October he抎 decided to move to LA permanently. The hitch in our plan was Josie. His settlement offer had been more than generous桰抎 reviewed it myself梑ut she kept coming back with new demands: all of his 401k instead of half, the vacation home that had been in his family for two generations in addition to their apartment in New York.
And every time he flew home, there was a part of me that worried he might not come back. If Josie realized what she抎 lost, would he give her another chance for his kids?sake? I had to fight the desire to look her up online. Was she cuter? Sexier? More impressive? I knew it was a rabbit hole that would lead nowhere good, but it was a struggle, after the way my mother抯 life had been upended, not to worry mine would be too.
His work in LA ended in early December, and that was when things got harder. Josie was unreliable梔rinking too much, failing to show up when it was her turn with the kids. Half our weekends together were canceled last minute because she抎 somehow thrown a wrench in our plans.
And after one of those canceled weekends, crushed by disappointment, I asked him if he was even sure he wanted this.
揟here must be a part of you,?I said, 搕hinking it would be easier just to take Josie back. And I really need to know before this goes any further.?
揌on,?he replied, 搃s this really about me, or is it about your dad??
I had no idea how to answer. I thought my concerns were valid, but yes, there was a part of me that would never stop being stunned by how fast my mother had been abandoned. Three weeks before my dad left with Stephani, he抎 taken my mom to the Bahamas for their anniversary, where he gave her a tennis bracelet equal to a year抯 tuition梠ne she sold a few months later to pay legal fees. People change their minds, and you don抰 even know until long after they抳e decided it. 揑 don抰 know,?I admitted.
揌oney,?he said, 揑 think you need to talk to a therapist, or this will never work. I don抰 want to fail at marriage twice.?
揗arriage??
He gave me an uncertain smile. 揑 thought it was heading there. Didn抰 you??
I stared at his face on the phone. 揑 hadn抰 really thought about it,?I replied after a moment. 揑 mean厃ou抮e still married. You抮e still based in New York.?
揑t抯 not going to be that much longer until it抯 over and then I抣l be there. Unless I misunderstood.?He frowned. 揧ou抮e young and I know it抯 a lot, the fact that I have two kids.?
I shook my head. 揑t抯 not that. I guess it just never occurred to me we were that serious.?
揋emma,?he said with a quiet laugh, 搘e are absolutely that serious.?
Over the course of one conversation, he抎 taken me from worried to obscenely hopeful. But I guess I can抰 fault him for that: I抦 the one who should have known better.
16
For the rest of the week, I barely see Ben. He抯 busy preparing for a big trial in Charlotte, and spends more time out of the office than in. It抯 for the best. I don抰 know what that was between us, when I thought he might kiss me梩emporary insanity, I suppose梑ut I need some distance from it still.
The office has mostly cleared out the following Friday when a delivery guy comes down the hall, his hand truck stacked high with boxes. 揑 have a delivery for Gemma Charles??
I direct him to the conference room, then dig into the first box from Fiducia while he goes back to his truck for the next batch. You抎 think he was bringing me a dozen roses, as excited as I am.
The files are not alphabetized, nor are they divided by division or location or employment date. It抯 going to take forever, and is the sort of job I should farm out, but I抦 looking for tiny slivers of information, easily missed, and I don抰 trust anyone but myself to find them.