He steps closer. Every bone in my body wants to make a joke right now, keep this light. But then maybe I抣l be the one wounding him, and I don抰 want that either.
揙n Mondays and Wednesdays, you go to the taco truck,?I tell him, staring at the floor as I speak, divulging what feels like a shameful secret. 揙n Tuesdays and Thursdays, you get a wrap from the gym.?
I can抰 tell him about driving past his house, or all the time I抳e spent on Drew Bailey抯 feed looking for photos of him. I feel exposed enough already. Too exposed. I swear to God if he makes fun of me for this it抯 over and I抣l never speak to him again.
His hand comes up, curving around the corner of my jaw, pulling my gaze to his, our mouths inches apart. 揧ou drink two cups of coffee every morning, always with milk, not cream, and a ridiculous amount of sugar. You抣l eat an acai bowl at any hour of the day, and you抮e the only person alive who prefers strawberries to donuts, which is why I抳e been buying them for staff meetings for the past year.?
I stare at him, asking myself how he knows all this, how long he抯 been watching me this carefully, and realizing the answer almost at the same time:
Always. He抯 always watched me, always documented my every move. I assumed it was for nefarious purposes, that he was looking for a crack in my armor or a moment of weakness, but maybe it wasn抰。 Maybe he watched me for the same reason I watched him.
Because he enjoyed it.
He leans forward and his hand curves around my neck as he presses his lips to mine.
It could be a really sweet moment, or it could be a story I later see was full of red flags.
The problem is you never really know for sure.
27
The therapist I began seeing at Kyle抯 urging梩wice a month, three-hundred dollars a session, and dumped on a credit card I couldn抰 pay off梙ad a lot of good advice.
揑t抯 okay to tell Kyle you抮e disappointed,?she said, when I told her Josie had grown increasingly unreliable.
She抎 helped me understand how scared I was of being destroyed the way my mother had been, and how scared I was that if I let Kyle see the mess in my head, he抎 run the other way.
So, the next time our plans got ruined by Josie梔rinking too much, as always桰 told him I was tired of leading separate lives, of not knowing his colleagues, his friends, his family. That I was scared nothing was going to come of this and he抎 end up staying with her.
揊uck it, then,?he said. 揕et抯 just go public. I抦 as tired of it as you are, and I want you to really know where things stand.?
For a moment my heart leapt. I抎 be able to come to him on the weekends Josie flaked out, I抎 finally meet his kids and tell Meg and Kirsten the truth.
Except Kyle was no longer working out of the LA office, so it would probably be obvious to everyone that we抎 been violating the firm抯 rules.
揧ou don抰 think Stadler would rescind my offer??I asked. I needed the job. God knew with the amount I was putting on credit cards now and days of work I was missing, I really needed the job.
揊uck,?he sighed. 揟hey might.?
So we were back to keeping it to ourselves, but now it was my fault.
The next time he came to LA, though, he drove to Sherman Oaks梣uiet and tree-lined梐nd asked which house I抎 want. I pointed at one, then changed my mind and pointed to another. We passed a sale sign and suddenly he was calling the realtor, grinning at me as he did it: My fianc閑 and I are interested in your listing. It was his way of letting me know that the end of all the lying and hiding was coming, and when it did, he wanted everything with me. Fifteen minutes later she was showing us a house we couldn抰 dream of affording, not when he抎 soon be giving Josie half his income.
But as Kyle started mentioning a nursery, his fingers slipping through mine, I decided to let myself believe him. The therapist had told me, after all, that I抎 never love someone deeply if I couldn抰 let myself be vulnerable.
In retrospect, I wish she抎 at least mentioned that sometimes you are scared for good reason.
28
I抦 trying very hard to focus on Sophia Waterhouse and the numbers she抯 given me, but I抦 only half here, the other half focused on that ache between my legs. It抯 so like Ben Tate to make my job difficult.
My cell is on silent, but Ben抯 name pops up when he texts, and that alone is enough to distract me. I turn the phone facedown and focus again on the task at hand桽ophia抯 monthly expenses.
People have no idea what they spend. They pay a credit card bill, or their husband pays it, and they look the other way. When I ask them to itemize it all梙ow much did you spend on groceries? How much did you spend on your kids?after-school activities?梩hey either go way too high or way too low.