I want to refuse because I shouldn抰 have to defend myself to anyone. But he isn抰 wrong梡art of my desire to run off and hide behind my anger is just that卋ecause I want to hide. What happened wasn抰 all my fault, but it doesn抰 make me look great either.
揑 was dating a partner there in law school,?I begin. 揔yle. He was based out of the New York office. He told me he was getting divorced梙e抎 even shown me the separation agreement梐nd it was all a fucking lie. I didn抰 have a clue he was still with her until I found out she was pregnant. I抦 not sure he was ever even planning to leave.?
揝o what happened??he asks, his voice neutral, emotionless, giving nothing away. It抯 the voice I use with clients I don抰 entirely believe.
揟hey turned the whole thing around on me to protect him. They marched me out of the building like a fucking criminal, and everyone watched. All these goddamn male partners, protecting their own when every one of them knew it was bullshit.?
揓esus,?Ben whispers, pulling me down beside him and wrapping his arms around me. 揘o wonder you抮e so obsessed with making partner.?
揑f I was a man, you wouldn抰 call me obsessed,?I reply. 揧ou抎 just call me ambitious.?
揅raig抯 been there as long as you,?he says. 揂nd I don抰 worry he抣l set the building on fire if he doesn抰 get what he wants.?
揈xactly,?I reply, digging my nails into my palms. 揃ecause Craig has no ambition whatsoever. That抯 why he shouldn抰 make partner.?
He presses his lips to the top of my head. 揑抦 sorry. I抦 so fucking sorry that happened to you.?
I say nothing. It抯 no longer just the male partners at Stadler, protecting their own. It抯 the men at my own goddamn firm, discussing this behind my back. Mischaracterizing me and spreading lies whenever it suits them.
I can抰 believe that after all this time, I抦 still the one paying the price for what Kyle did.
43
When I confronted Kyle about his wife, he continued to lie.
I listened to him spin new stories like the master he was, but I listened from a distance, as if I was watching this take place between two other people. He told me he抎 slipped one night, after they split. 揑 don抰 even know that the kid is mine,?he said. 揈ither way, I抦 leaving once the baby comes.?
He told me he抎 only found out recently, that he was as horrified by the situation as I was. I didn抰 bother asking him about the gender reveal party they抎 held months before, or the trip to Florida, or all his stories about her drinking. I already knew exactly who he was: someone who could lie easily, without a shred of guilt.
He抎 been building a castle out of a deck of cards, one he had to know would collapse on me eventually. But he just kept building.
揑 don抰 believe a word out of your mouth,?I said, my voice flattened by shock.
揑f you tell anyone,?he replied, 揑抣l fucking ruin you.?
They were the last words we ever exchanged.
I spent that night reeling. Torn between shock and rage, torn between fearing the damage he might do to my career and feeling like his wife deserved to know who he was. It was because of my mom that I did the right thing. She抎 given up so many years of her life to a man who didn抰 deserve her. I couldn抰 give her those years back, but maybe I could prevent it happening to someone else.
I messaged Josie from the fake profile I抎 created and told her the truth梟ot that we抎 chosen a ring and had been looking at houses, because it seemed like too much梑ut simply the bare facts, with enough detail that it would be hard to doubt me.
When I went into Stadler the next day, security escorted me into the managing partner抯 office, where I learned my employment offer was being rescinded. Kyle told them I抎 been stalking him, and was now harassing his wife.
I argued, of course. I told him we抎 been dating since the previous September and that I hadn抰 known Kyle was still with her.
揑f you were dating him, you抎 have informed the firm,?he replied, which is when I knew I was screwed: they were either going to fire me for not telling HR about our relationship, or they were going to fire me for stalking. 揂nd one of your colleagues has corroborated Kyle抯 story.?He slid a print-out toward me of my text conversation with Meg: It was me joking about joining Equinox to stalk him. Suggesting I might buy an all-red wardrobe after learning it was his favorite color. She抎 been just as bad, and had often been worse, but that didn抰 matter. She抎 selectively shared her texts, and that抯 all Stadler wanted梡roof, even if taken out of context.
揑抳e been here for three years,?I pled. 揧ou don抰 seriously believe all this??
揑t doesn抰 matter what I believe, Miss Charles,?he said.
Because Kyle was the one making them money, so Kyle was the one they抎 protect as long as they could.