“You wouldn’t do anything new.”
“What do you mean?”
“If you didn’t think you were going to be good at something, you point-blank refused to even attempt it.”
“Like what?”
“It started in class. You refused to do algebra.”
I frown. I don’t remember any of this.
“You and your teacher came to blows. You dug your heels in and simply refused. She called me. It was at that time that we started to take notice of things that we had always seen as your little quirks.”
I stare at her.
“Sweetheart.” She takes my hand over the table. “It isn’t easy being the youngest Miles brother, growing up like you did with so much pressure on you to be perfect.”
“I don’t feel pressured, Mom.”
“Not within our family . . . but it has affected your personal relationships with women. You are thirty-one and never had a girlfriend. Don’t you ever wonder why?”
I stare at her, horrified.
“You can do this, Christopher.” She squeezes my hand in hers. “I know you can, but you need to know that it’s okay if you fail.”
No. It’s not.
I get a lump in my throat.
“Loving someone is frightening; I know that,” she whispers. “But one day, you will have to give control over to someone. The only decision you have to make now is . . . Is this particular girl going to be the one you trust with your heart, or is she going to be the one who got away?”
Hayden.
My eyes well with tears.
My mother passes me the book. “Take this home, sweetheart, and read it. Study it. Better still, go and see a therapist. I don’t want to see you break your own heart.”
“It’s too late.” I sigh sadly. “She’s gone.”
HAYDEN
I sit on the bench seat outside our hostel. I glance at my watch. Where is he? I start work in an hour. He’s usually here by now.
I wait for another ten minutes, and then finally I look up the street and catch sight of him and wave. Big beautiful brown eyes smile back at me. “Hello, Miss Hazen.”
“Hi, Eddie.” I hold my breath. “Did he call?”
Eddie’s face falls, and he shakes his head. “No.”
My heart sinks.
It’s been eight days since Christopher left, and damn it.
I got it wrong.
He’s not coming back.
He stopped calling Eddie four days ago, and now Eddie is just as sad as me.
Which is sad, really sad.
The others all left for Germany on Monday. I couldn’t bring myself to go with them. What if he comes back and I’m not here? Even if it is only to say goodbye.
I hope he’s okay.
The thing is, I know that he cares. I get a lot of things wrong, but I haven’t imagined the feelings between us. All along, I knew he was fucked up. I guess I didn’t realize how badly.
I’ve overanalyzed this until I’ve nearly driven myself insane.
And I’ve come to the only conclusion there is. Maybe my body just wasn’t enough for him. I’ve seen the girls he hooks up with, and I’m not even in their stratosphere. Maybe he got a taste of what I’m not and decided to run for the hills.