It didn’t sit well with me at the time, but I let it slide because I understood his reasoning for wanting to be anonymous, especially now that the press is hounding me day and night. I get why he needed that break from reality, and I respect him for taking it. Now that I know him, it would have taken a lot of guts to do what he did.
He wanted to find someone who loved him for him. Mission accomplished: I love him.
With everything.
But what about my choices . . . and do they even matter anymore?
I had everything mapped out, and now my hopes and dreams are just . . . gone.
Christopher is the love of my life—I’m talking soul mate shit—but I know that to be with him I have to give up who I am.
For him to move to be with me . . . he would have to give up who he is.
There’s no fucking winner. One of us has to lose everything in order for the other to be happy.
And I want it to be me. I don’t want him to suffer like this . . . but it’s harder than I thought it would be.
Lonelier.
I screw up my face in tears.
If I want to be my true self, then I can’t stay living in a city. If I want a life with Christopher, then I have to stay.
It’s not fair that I have to choose one over the other.
I can’t lose either.
Tears slowly run down my face.
“Hey, babe,” Christopher’s voice says from behind me.
I turn, startled.
“Everything all right?” he asks.
I turn away from him and quickly wipe my eyes. Damn it, how did he know I was here? “Yep.”
He sits down beside me and stares out over the park. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” I try to hide my tears. “I’m okay.”
He raises his eyebrow.
I roll my eyes. “Don’t.”
We fall silent, and I troll my brain for the right thing to say.
“Hayden . . . you need to talk to me . . . I can’t fix this if you won’t talk to me.”
Be honest.
“I think I’m going to go home to the States for a few weeks,” I say softly.
“What?” He frowns. “Why?”
“You’re so busy, and I . . . just need some fresh air . . . and . . .”
His eyes hold mine.
I steel myself to say the dreaded words out loud. “I’m struggling . . . and not entirely sure that city life is for me.”
“My life is in the city, Hayden,” he replies curtly.
My eyes well with tears. “I know.”
“You said you would give it three months.”
“I know I did.”
“It’s been only weeks. Of course you aren’t settled in yet. Give it some time. You’ll come around.”
Come around?
He just doesn’t get it.
“I don’t want to come around, Christopher,” I snap in frustration. “I’m thinking long term.”
“Meaning what?”
“There’s no way I could raise a family here in these conditions.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” he barks angrily.