“Fuck off.”
“How can you not see it?”
“See what?”
“That deep down you think that nobody could possibly love you for you.”
His face falls.
“Why is that?” I ask softly. “Because it doesn’t make any sense to me.”
His eyes search mine, and I know that I’ve hit a nerve.
“Why do you think that hard and fast is safe? When are you going to stop hiding from yourself? You’re an adult. Grow up.”
He screws his face up in disgust. “You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”
“I can’t help you with this, Christopher. You want to fuck around, that’s great. Go do it. But don’t cry ‘poor me’ when people who care about you meet someone worthy.”
“Big fucking deal. I like a good time. There is nothing wrong with me,” he spits.
“Keep telling yourself that.”
“You know what . . . fuck this.” He turns and walks off into the darkness.
“You can’t heal the wound until you find the sore, Christopher,” I call after him.
“Go fuck him. I don’t even care,” he calls back.
I watch him walk into the darkness alone, and my shoulders slump. I take a long shaky inhale. Damn it.
How did that spiral so badly out of control?
I drag myself back inside and walk back to Zack. “Sorry,” I apologize. “I had to take a call.”
“That’s okay. The night is young.” He leans in and kisses my cheek, and I fake a smile.
I imagine Christopher walking home alone, and I feel like shit.
A real friend would have gone with him.
It’s 2:00 a.m. when I get back to the room.
With Christopher weighing heavily on my mind all night, things didn’t go to plan with Zach. The hostel is deserted, with everyone still out partying. I get my things out of my locker and take a long hot shower, dress in my pajamas, and walk into my room.
I flick the light on and see that Christopher is curled up in bed with his back to me. I quickly flick the light back off and climb in behind him. I snuggle up to his back and kiss his shoulder from behind.
“Don’t,” he murmurs.
I smile against his back.
“I’m not talking to you,” he mumbles.
“Good, because I’m going to sleep.”
“You showered?”
“Because I wanted a shower, not because I had sex.”
He stays silent, and I hug him tighter.
“Good night,” I whisper.
He doesn’t answer me.
“Are you going to say good night?” I ask.
“Keep talking, and I’m kicking you out of bed.”
I smile into the darkness.
With his warm body and heavenly scent surrounding me, I drift into wonderland.
Bang, crash, boom!
“Sorry.” Bernadette laughs. She’s tripped over someone’s shoes.
Basil walks headfirst into the bunk bed and bounces onto the floor. The room is in a fit of giggles. Everyone has just arrived home, and they are rolling blind drunk.
Christopher’s arm is around me from behind, our bodies spooned up against each other.