“If I was a child, this would traumatize me.”
“Yep.” She pulls it up over my shoulders and zips up the top.
“In fact, I’m traumatized as an adult,” I continue.
She lifts the huge head and puts it on. My vision is suddenly a tunnel, and I feel like I can’t breathe. “It’s fucking hot in here,” I yell as the walls begin to close in on me.
“You’ll get used to it,” she says calmly.
“Get used to it?” I gasp. “Nobody could get used to this.”
She grabs my hand and leads me out. “You’ll have someone with you for a while until you acclimatize to the suit.” The feet are huge, and I feel like I am walking in huge skis or Moon Boots or something.
“It fucking stinks in here,” I yell.
“I know.”
“If you know, why don’t you wash the fucking thing?” I call. “Stop being so lazy.”
“Listen,” she growls. “Just walk around the park, and keep your dramatics to a minimum.”
“My dramatics are well warranted,” I yell.
I walk out into the blazing sun, and I begin to sweat.
Oh no . . .
It’s hot . . . hotter than hot. Butter-melting-on-a-hot-plate hot.
She introduces someone, although I can hardly see him. “This is Diego.” I think it’s a teenage boy.
He takes my big goofy paw. “This way.” He leads me along.
Kids start to scream. I can hardly see what’s going on out there. I stumble and fall and land on my hands and knees. “What the hell are you doing, Diego?” I yell.
“Oops, sorry,” he says as he helps me up.
Kids are screaming and yelling and clamoring around me. Where are the parents?
I hear a phone ring, and Diego drops my hand. “Just a minute,” he says.
“What do you mean, just a minute?” Kids bunch around me, yelling and trying to hug my legs. I subtly push them off me. “Don’t,” I tell them. “Calm down.”
Through my tunnel vision, I see Diego talking on the phone, totally distracted.
“Get off the phone,” I snap.
He rolls his eyes and turns his back to me.
Fucker.
I feel a swift kick to my shin, and I look down to see a boy. He’s about six. “Watch it,” I warn him.
He kicks me again, and I gently push him away.
A million kids swarm around me, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this suit is hotter than Satan’s asshole.
I’m dripping with perspiration. There’s no air in this thing. I can’t breathe.
Help.
I look back over to Diego. What is that fucker doing?
I feel something being wedged up my ass. “Ahh.” I turn around to see that same kid who was kicking me before. “Fuck off, kid,” I yell. I push him hard, and he goes flying back.
He stands, infuriated. Then he charges me. I push him back. “Diego,” I yell.
Diego is still facing the other way, and he holds his hand up in a coming signal.
The kid pushes me again, and I stumble back but catch myself. He comes at me again and kicks me up the ass, and I snap. I grab him around the throat with my paws. “Leave me alone,” I growl. “Diego,” I cry. “We have a situation.”