Most of my time is spent alone. Days go by in which I speak to no one. Phoebe calls, and messages, telling me she’s here, but I can’t respond. It’s like she’s a task on my to-do list that I know I need to address so I can place a neat tick next to her name, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s too much. The mere sight of her name on my phone screen makes me feel nauseous; I always flip the phone over until it goes mercifully quiet. I don’t trust myself to talk to her without crying or screaming. I’m not sure which would be worse. The despair or the anger. She can’t help with either. What would I say? Sorry you lost . . . nothing. I’m happy that your husband is alive and you have two beautiful daughters whose absence from my life feels like an additional splinter lodged in my skin. I’m not coping because I lost everyone I love but how are you anyway? I know it’s irrational to hate someone for their life not being obliterated, but rationality is more than I can bear at the moment. Libby phones occasionally but she’s still stuck in Madrid and, at the very least, I’m in London in my own home.
Painfully, the days alone at home without the regular grind of work remind me of maternity leave. Those endless months with no one to talk to but a baby. Theodore was born so early that all my prenatal class friends were still waddling around buying tiny cardigans and hats when I was pushing an actual baby around the kitchen in his pram, cajoling him to sleep.
Today, for the first time since the world fell apart, I’m going into work. UCL is opening, as are forty-nine other universities across the country, in an attempt to keep the education system functioning. The government says we need to ensure we have teachers, nurses, lawyers, engineers and all the other many professions that make up our society in the coming years. I don’t care as long as I still have something to do. My lovely boss, Margaret, called me yesterday and asked me to come in.
I make a cup of coffee from the dwindling jar in the kitchen. There won’t be any more coffee for a long, long time, so I ration it but today is a Big Day. Today deserves a cup of coffee. I haven’t left Crystal Palace since I returned from Devon, many weeks ago. The sight of other people, eye contact, noise, roads, the mere thought of it has been too much. It’s as if I’ve been flayed. I get the train from Crystal Palace to Victoria; there used to be four an hour, packed full of commuters reading their phones or the papers. Now, there is one every hour and a half, packed full of women with the occasional man sticking out like a blot of ink on a page.
On the train, I read a crime novel, the kind of unnerving yet easy-to-read fare that Anthony adored and I’d always avoided on the basis of enjoying books with happy endings. Our holiday reading tastes were split down embarrassingly heteronormative lines. Historical romance novels and women’s fiction for me. Crime and military history books for him. I tried to read a romance novel a few days ago, thinking it might help. I managed two paragraphs before I slammed it shut, repulsed by the cheery tone. Now, it’s comforting to read about mysteries, death, terror and the eventual resolution of justice. My brain’s capacity for reading about the good fortune of others, even if their happiness is fictional, is currently nonexistent.
The train arrives at Victoria just as my novel’s detective is making a breakthrough in the case. The tube has a thirty-minute wait, as it will have for months while the few remaining male, and female, drivers teach others to drive the trains. I trundle through London on a replacement bus, packed with people, all of whom look as ashen and distracted as I imagine I do.
The sight of my office in the UCL anthropology building brings me to tears. It’s a squat, square building but it’s a home away from home. It has been a constant in my life for over a decade. The corridors smell the same but are, predictably, emptier than they used to be.
“Well, look who the cat dragged in.” Margaret, my no-nonsense, reliable, kind boss is sitting at her desk, surrounded as always by teetering stacks of books.
“It’s nice to see you.” I sit down. It could be any other Monday. It’s as if nothing has changed.
“I’m not going to ask how you are, and please don’t ask me. I don’t think either of us can cope with that right now,” she says. There is a photo of Margaret, her husband, son and daughter sitting on the shelf behind her. I glance at it and then back to her resolute face. She has aged years in the few months since I saw her.