“You shouldn’t.”
“Maybe I should. Maybe I have a lot more of Abijah in me than…” he shakes his head, “I’ve heard stories about the ruthless man who created me. They’re not good, Cecelia.”
“How was he when you found him?”
“Gone mostly.” His gaze loses focus as he speaks. “In my rare visits with him, he was only lucid a few times. Oddly, he was kind both times, but when he wasn’t coherent, most of his talk was vapid nonsense. And his temper was…malicious.”
“Tobias, you decide who you are, you know that. You taught me that.”
His eyes drift over to me. “I saw you once in Paris. Your sophomore year of college. I’d just killed a man.”
Shock. Utter and complete shock keeps me stunned silent as he speaks.
“He was a filthy motherfucker, handsy with children, cruel to his family, a horrible human being. One of Ant—，” he cuts himself off, only fueling the hurt and anger surfacing. “I didn’t hesitate a second pulling the trigger. Not a second,” he whispers. “After I watched him die, I went to a bar I frequented. I had just drained my first gin when I got the text you were headed in my direction, and I knew you were coming straight for me. I only managed to get a block away when I saw you turn the corner, your hair blowing around your face, obstructing my view before you stepped in.” His eyes lift to mine. “I knew you were in Paris. I always knew where you were, but it felt so much more intimate when you were there. I knew you were missing me because you were frequenting all the places we talked about when we were together. All the places I hoped to take you one day. I knew, in a way, you were searching for me.” He gives me a sad smile as the first tear glides down my cheek. “And you nearly caught me,” he whispers, his hand stopping on my foot. “It was like you were haunting me, and then you were there.”
When he gauges my reaction, I close my eyes. “Please don’t get upset.”
“How can I not? You saw me, and you didn’t fucking—” I shake my head, my hurt taking over. “How—”
“I couldn’t, Cecelia, I couldn’t. I’d barely healed from being shot, and the painful stretch in my skin as I walked away from you was reminder enough of how dangerous it would be to drag you back in. If you only knew how bad that hurt. I could kill a man without hesitation, but leaving you there felt so much fucking worse. Jesus, if you only knew how much I wanted to walk back to that bar, just to get a glimpse of you through that fucking window. But I felt like a monster. And back then, I was far more monster than man.” He shakes his head. “Knowing you were there, so fucking close and wondering if you sensed me there. I wanted so much to go to you, to touch you, even with fresh blood on my hands. And I felt…punished. Thoroughly punished and confused by how I could feel so fucking little about taking a life but so torn apart for needing you. It was complete chaos for me, both sides fighting for dominance and both wanting the same thing—you. And so I ran, I ran from you, chasing the monster far, far away, so he couldn’t touch you with his bloody hands.” His features twist in pain. “I started to hate Paris after that, hate everything about it. Being there felt like a betrayal of a future that we could never have.” He closes his eyes. “It took everything I had to walk away from that bar. Everything I fucking had left, and that wasn’t much at that point. I was more vengeance than human being, but you reminded me I was still flesh and blood that day…you reminded me. It was one of the worst nights of my life because I’ve never felt so alone.”
Hot tears stream down my cheeks at his admission. Anger for the time we lost, for the relief we could have found in each other and never got due to his fucking overpowering need to protect me.
“It was always the job that cost me you. It’s always been the job. I have to be a monster to catch the other monsters, and the job, in essence, is fighting a lost cause. Mostly, because men like that are never going to stop coming.” He lifts earnest eyes to mine, “But there’s only one you…and,” his eyes flit with emotion, “I’ve been alone my whole goddamned life. I don’t want to be alone anymore.”