To me, love was always conditional—until her.
My mother never fully understood the extent of my father’s illness. It’s my belief now that she assumed he’d just gone mad. Although that’s partly true, it wasn’t by conscious decision. It wasn’t as if he’d let some dark side of him take over, which I believe was her stance on him up until the day she died. It was sickness that claimed him and the fear of inherited sickness that’s plagued me for so long.
But at this stage in the game, the odds and my age are in my favor that I will never suffer his fate.
Retrieving the sun-bleached stone from where I hid it a lifetime ago, I start toward the winding cliff-side staircase that leads to my finish line. It’s more apparent than ever that it was never the house I was waiting for. It was today, this moment of clarity—a day where my head and heart are no longer at odds.
If I had to sum up my life, my journey in one word, it would be today. I did it all for this moment. The irony is, I never knew through my plotting and scheming a day like this could exist for me. Fate threw me the cards while Karma had its wicked way with me. Luck was never factored in, but it came through for this opportunist enough to know that at times, it was present, and others it had abandoned me completely.
Noted, luck. And fuck you for it.
But if I have to measure my life against the uncontrollable powers of what could be, at any time, for or against me, I’ll have to bat them all away. I’ll have to choose something else to measure my life by, a different entity all together, a cosmic force to trump all others, her.
Without her, my purpose would feel meaningless, as would this day.
Because she wasn’t wrong. We, what we have and what we found in each other, is all that matters. The path I traveled to get here would amount to nothing without someone to reflect on it with. And there’s no better storyteller, no better reflection of my worth than in the eyes of the woman who shared in my journey and helped me navigate my way through the worst of it.
She’s my mirror, my judge, and has revealed herself as my sole purpose. She brought direction back to my deadening soul when I lost my way, and she continues to guide me back, a star too bright to ignore, no matter how far I stray.
There’s no more strength in life than a man’s purpose. For so many years, I thought mine was something else entirely—until she showed me the truth. I always considered myself a lone traveler until she blazed her way onto my path as my opponent, my lover, teacher, confidante, and best friend.
Any significant sum of every day I’ve spent on this Earth will always amount to her.
If I would have succeeded in throwing my purpose away, if I were successful at self-sabotage, I wouldn’t know such a complete feeling existed. I would have never found such peace inside myself. The panic would have seized me long ago and made me sick to the point of no return.
The minute I step through the door of the house, I won’t ever look back on the cruelty of the path or how many steps I took alone. Instead, I’ll appreciate each bend of the journey, aside from a single blow so fucking merciless, I’ll never be able to shake it off. Not ever. A loss so painful, there won’t ever be a day it won’t hurt.
My brother.
Her savior.
An irreversible scar that will never fully heal and proof of my weary travels. I’m halfway to the top of the cliff when my phone rattles in my pocket.
Lady Bird is in the nest.
However, I’ve already sensed her nearby. From above, I hear her shout my name as she races through the house; clear panic and excitement in her voice as I begin taking the stairs two at a time, heart thundering.
“I hear you, Mon Trésor,” I reply, hastening my steps, chest pounding, the delicate offering safe in my hand. I will always hear you.
Already choked up with emotion, I nod at the two Ravens standing guard at the back of the property as I pass and enter through the back door. Beau greets me with his typical cock check before he allows me to run my fingers over his ears. I’ve learned to tolerate him over time, despite the fact that he’s still ridiculously territorial over our woman.