Kiva’s heart gave a pang of longing.
“And then Mother left,” Tor continued, steering Olix around a fallen tree trunk. “Something changed in Zulee after that. A darkness came over her, a deep anger brimming just under the surface. At first, I thought it was just grief mixed with the pressure of being the commander, especially with Galdric gone, but it’s been months now, and it’s only grown worse.” His voice lowered. “She’s keeping secrets, sneaking out of camp at all hours. She won’t share her plans, won’t even say where she’s getting most of her information. The palace spies she mentioned? I have no idea who they are; all I can figure is that they’re in deep enough for privileged information.”
“You’re worried about her,” Kiva observed quietly.
“I don’t know who she is anymore,” he replied. “I don’t know the person leading the rebels. That doesn’t worry me — it terrifies me.”
Kiva pressed closer, trying to offer comfort. “I thought you were coleading them?”
Tor snorted. “That’s what Mother wanted. Galdric, too. But it’s like when I tried to free you from Zalindov — if I make a call Zuleeka disagrees with, we can’t risk division by arguing. I care about our people too much to put them through that, even if I —” He broke off quickly.
“Even if you what, Tor?”
It took several moments before he whispered, “I’m tired, Mouse. I’m tired of seeing good people suffer for a cause I’m not even sure I believe in. A cause I’m not sure I’ve ever believed in.”
Kiva stilled at his back.
As if the admission had loosened his tongue, Tor went on, stronger, “Zuleeka told you today to choose, but I was never given that option. Nine years old, and I became a rebel by default, shaped and molded to become their weapon. Their general.” His distaste at the title was clear, but then he released a long breath and acknowledged, “I’m who I am today because of what they taught me. I’m strong, I’m capable. I’m a leader. A warrior. I’ll always be grateful for that. But this life isn’t one I ever would have chosen for myself.”
“Tor,” Kiva whispered, holding him tight.
He sighed and pushed away a low-hanging branch. “It is what it is. And I’m lucky, compared to many.” A pause. “Compared to you.”
Kiva’s brow furrowed. “Me?”
“I would give anything, everything, to have kept you out of Zalindov,” Tor said, every word filled with pain. “I would have traded my life in an instant if I’d known they would let you go. I hate —” His voice broke. “I hate that you were alone in there for so long. I can’t imagine what you went through to survive. I don’t even know how you survived.”
“I’m not sure, either,” Kiva admitted, shadows of memory filling her mind. “But I did, and we’re together again now — that’s all that matters.”
Tor took a hand off the reins to squeeze her fingers at his waist. “If anything happens to you —”
“It won’t,” Kiva told him firmly, ignoring that she had unpredictable magic and was attempting to overthrow a kingdom, committing treason by merely breathing. “But what are we going to do about you? It sounds like you’re having second thoughts.”
“How I feel doesn’t matter. I’ve committed my life to this cause.”
“A cause you just admitted you don’t believe in,” she pointed out.
“And yet, I’ll do what it takes to see it through.”
His words were unyielding but completely without passion, as if he’d resigned himself to his fate.
Kiva’s heart ached for the little boy she’d once known, his dreams having been stolen the same night she’d forfeited hers.
Quietly, she asked, “Why are the rebels fighting for us? I know why we’re on this path, but why does anyone else care enough to risk their lives?”
“To them, we’re royalty,” Tor answered, his voice now carefully devoid of emotion. “For hundreds of years, all they’ve wanted was a Corentine back on the throne. Or at least, that’s the case for the most fanatical of Torvin worshipers, the ones whose families have stayed dedicated from generation to generation.”
“But what about the newer recruits who don’t care about bloodlines?” Kiva pressed. “Is it because they don’t like the Vallentis family?”
“There will always be people who disapprove of how a kingdom is run, regardless of who sits on the throne, so that’s true for some,” Tor confirmed. “Others just want anarchy for the sake of anarchy. But the rest . . . Never underestimate the power of hope, Mouse.”