If I’d found pity in Shin’s eyes, I might have turned away from him. Indifference would have been even worse. But there’s something in his gaze that strikes through the numbness until I feel it—the pain, the ache. There’s compassion there. “Mina…”
“I love them.” It sounds like a confession, and I realize—haltingly—that it is. Whenever I ran through the rice fields, the long-necked cranes billowing their great wings as if in greeting; whenever I climbed the cliffs, the breeze urging me onward; whenever I looked out to sea, the sunlight on the water like laughter, I felt love. I felt loved.
How could the gods abandon those who love them?
I don’t realize I’ve spoken aloud until Shin releases my hand, looking out over the desolate canal. “There’s nothing you can do.”
He’s said these words before. In the garden, he said there was nothing I could do to help the girl. He said a similar sentiment when we first met, that I would fail like all the brides before.
He was right, in the end, but while it gained him nothing to be right, it costs me everything to be wrong.
“You’re as much at fault as the rest of them.”
Shin laughs harshly. “You would compare me to a goddess who takes bribes for prayers, who laughs at the pain of others?”
“No. You’re worse than her.” His shoulders tense, and I feel a pang of regret, but my pain makes me want to lash out. “You make false promises. You give me hope with one word and despair with the next.”
“I’ve given you a place in my home to keep you safe, servants to provide for your every need, my people to guard you—”
“With orders to keep me from leaving.”
“Because there’s already been a threat against your life! Thieves have never attempted to steal the soul of the Sea God’s bride before. When I went to confront Lord Bom of Tiger House this morning, he’d fled the city. Until I discover who’s behind the threats, you have to be patient. Give me time. It hasn’t even been a day.”
“One day in the last month of my life.” I know I’m being dramatic, but I feel the rage and pain burning me up inside.
“What do you want from me, Mina?”
“I want nothing from you.” I curl my burned hand, wincing at the pain. “Only the Sea God can help me now.”
Shin narrows his eyes. “What does he have to do with this?”
“Because once the curse is lifted—”
Shin scoffs, a cruel sound. “You don’t get it, do you, Mina?”
“What don’t I get?” I point back toward the gaping door of Moon House. “You didn’t see her, the girl in the memory. She was suffering. She was crying. All she had left was her hope, and in the end, it wasn’t enough. When will it be enough?”
Shin turns abruptly, his eyes a mixture of fury and despair. “It will never be enough! Don’t you see, Mina? There is no curse upon the Sea God. He chose to seclude himself because he couldn’t face his own grief. He’s the one who abandoned your people. Who abandoned all of us!”
Shin breaks his gaze away, trembling. There’s a tic in his jaw, and a slight redness at the corners of his eyes.
“You hate the Sea God,” I whisper.
He closes his eyes. Unconsciously, he moves his hand to his chest. “The Sea God. The Goddess of Women and Children. All of us are unworthy. All of us deserve to be forgotten.”
Us.
Realization hits me. “You’re a god.”
His answer is in the way his breathing turns ragged. His fingers, already pressed to his chest, dig into the cloth of his robes.
“Shin, what are you the god of?”
At first I think he won’t answer, but then he shakes his head. “Nothing anymore.” He speaks so softly I have to strain to hear him. “You have to believe in something to be the god of it.”
* * *
Night has fallen by the time we arrive back at Lotus House. Shin dismisses the servants who rush out to greet us, instead calling for Kirin. Together we head to the pavilion on the pond. In the upper room, someone has already spread out the blankets on the floor. I sink to my knees on the silk sheets, using my good hand to steady myself. I attempt to curl the fingers of my left hand and grimace at the sharp pain.
I look up to find Shin watching me.
“Can I…？” he asks.
I nod.
Crouching beside me, he takes my hand and slowly unwraps the bandage. I wince as he peels it away. The skin beneath is raw and bleeding in patches.