Becky eased herself down on a corner bench. “You think she’s involved with Belinda’s death?”
I nodded. And I had to reassure her—and myself—that it wasn’t just because of Stefan’s nature. “I mean, he’s just not violent, except once, when he just got out.” I told her about the lumberyard and the fight there.
Rebecca said, “That could have happened to anybody.” But she looked thoughtful for a moment. “Women aren’t usually physically violent. It’s pretty rare. So you think this girl was violent by nature?”
“No, not necessarily,” I said. What did I think? It was no more likely that Esme snapped than that Stefan snapped. She probably didn’t go around battering people. On the other hand, if she let someone else go to prison for her sin, her crying and wailing were all show: She had no conscience at all. “It all just seems to fit together, it makes sense. She was Belinda’s lover, and she was just like Stefan, terrified of losing her.”
Maybe, by that point, any way was better than facing the wide span of life without her. How could I know what drove Esme? How could I know how people had treated her in her life before? I’d never even spanked Stefan. I hadn’t struck a person in my life, not since I was nine and slapped my sister Phoebe for stealing my ten silver dollars from my jewelry box. What cyclone of emotion could whirl someone into such rage as evidenced by the photos in that box was beyond my ken.
“It’s an interesting hypothesis. Is this just a thought you’ve been having? Have you told anyone?” I told Becky about Pete Sunday and his promise to find Esme. While it might be a slim chance, even the detective seemed to think it was worth investigating.
I told Becky, “Either way this turns out, the guilt they brought up. I really don’t feel that way.”
“That’s good.”
“It was the drugs, just like it was the drink for Alice.”
“I’m glad that’s how you feel.” There was a reserve in the statement that snagged my defenses.
“Wait, am I missing something? You don’t think that Alzy would have frozen to death in a snowbank unless she was drunk, do you? I know Stefan wouldn’t have hit Belinda or anybody else unless he was so messed up he didn’t know what he was doing. That isn’t just me rationalizing things. The judge thought the same thing, or he would have sent Stefan away for murder.”
“I know,” she said. “But it’s not the same as with Alice.”
“Do the Hodges feel guilty, like they could have done more or something different?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Becky said. “They’re political people. They put up a brave front. And they’re also actually brave. But Alice didn’t do anything to…anyone else. Both of these things are tragic. Tragic mistakes. But not the same.”
She was correct about that too. But no matter what the outcome, if this was as good as it ever got for us, would I exchange our fate with Stefan for the Hodges’ fate with Alice? No, I would not. A thousand times, I would not. Especially not now, I would not. For that, maybe I should have felt guilty.
I told Becky that the reason Stefan got parole on his first application was because he didn’t describe his actions as “a mistake.” What he had done was wrong, he went on, much worse than the things violent criminals did, because he wasn’t a violent criminal. He wasn’t raised to do wrong. He had no excuses. He could never atone for what he had done. But he swore he would never hurt another person as long as he lived.
“I think he means that, and I believe him,” Rebecca told me.
Finally, having put way too much out there already, I told Rebecca about the threats Esme had made.
“She keeps saying that if Stefan ever remembers more about that night, someone is going to get him. I know, it’s crazy. But doesn’t it really stand to reason if she’s the one who would get him? If she already killed one person, might she feel like what has she got to lose? I’m sorry for bugging you with this. This wasn’t what you meant by taking a little walk.”
“Just go on. Tell me the rest.”
“Well, she was livid because Stefan wouldn’t back down from talking publicly about Belinda’s death. He wanted to take responsibility. But when he did talk openly, nothing happened. I mean, I’m glad nothing happened…but was it all a hoax? Or was she afraid that he would reveal details he didn’t know about at first, because his memory was blocked? I thought she was trying to protect Stefan but was she just trying to protect herself? She must have hated Stefan.”