“Worried about school?”
“Yes, worried that if I messed up school, I would have to drop out and I would lose her. Because she wouldn’t respect me anymore.”
“So,” Deanie said, leaning in. “Why was this night different?”
“Well, I was upset. So I took a bunch of drugs. Different kinds. Whatever the person I was with offered me. Crack cocaine. Heroin. And I don’t have any memory of anything that night except that I ended up in the hospital.”
“You were upset,” she said, in a level tone. Then she waited. It was fascinating to watch. She knew full well that no one could endure the silence for very long.
“I was upset because I heard… I knew that, well, for sure I was going to lose her.”
“You were angry at Belinda.”
“No. Not exactly. Not… I just wanted to keep her. I wanted to plead with her.”
“You didn’t want somebody else to have her.”
Stefan pressed his fingers against his eyes. “Of course not. Nobody would want somebody else to have the girl you love, right? That doesn’t mean I was some insane psycho…” He stopped. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t make me sound worse than I already am.”
Deanie softened. “Okay, we won’t use that last moment. I promise. Let’s go on.” She tapped her knee with her silver pencil. “So you are blaming your drug use for what you did?”
“No. Or in part. I just started to use drugs for the first time that fall when I was hanging out with Belinda’s friends.” He looked up, pleadingly. “I told you why.”
I could feel doubt walk along my arms like an electrical pulse. I knew Stefan was prepared for her to move on, past the death. This was supposed to be the kinder, gentler version? What about Deanie Kessler’s promise? If this wasn’t a trap, why did it feel that way?
“Was Belinda afraid of you?”
Stefan sat back and almost laughed. I gasped. He recovered as if it were a kind of cough and glanced around him. He said, “No. Not at all.” But I knew that somehow, the camera could make a nervous grimace into a casual smirk.
“Why did she have a golf club in her apartment then?”
“Because she was a golfer. Her mom is a professional golfer. She gave Belinda a set of her clubs when she went to college.”
“And so you served a couple of years in prison and then you came home. And you live right around the block from where Belinda lived?”
“I live in the same house I’ve lived in all my life. I’m glad to be home, for sure. I want to fit in. But of course, everywhere I look, I think about Belinda and I miss her. We were best friends all our lives, even growing up.”
“Okay, let’s break for a moment.”
Stefan sighed, and pulled his shirt away from his chest as if to cool himself off.
“You’re doing great,” I told him, as the makeup artist descended with a huge powder brush. “You really are. Just keep it low-key. He’s doing great, isn’t he?” I said to Deanie.
“Yep,” she said. I felt those electrical pulses again.
The crew took a break. One of the camera operators asked Deanie Kessler if they should get a dolly ready to film a walk through the neighborhood. I quickly put a lid on that idea.
“You’re not going to walk him past those marchers,” I said. By law, the protestors weren’t allowed to gather before nine in the morning, so we tried to be on our way to wherever we needed to go well before that time. But if Stefan or any of us was late getting out, the group would chant. Listen, Stefan! Stop Abuse Young! Save a Young Life! And Stefan, say, say, say her name!
“No, I’m thinking,” Deanie said. “We might finish with both of you at the arboretum later on. But let’s just move to another setting out here. Maybe by the tree?” I brought a pitcher of iced tea. There were several takers. As they bustled about, I kept searching their eyes for clues about the way they felt; but when they took a break or moved things around, they were breezy and impassive, telling jokey stories to each other about their upcoming weekend plans. Someone asked if I preferred “Dr. Thea Demetriou” to “Professor Thea Demetriou,” and I said no, professor was fine…and using no title at all was fine too. “We just have to write it on the files. Deanie will put it up.”
It was time to start up again.
Deanie steered the questioning back to Belinda’s death. “Stefan, you said you were desperate to keep her. Why desperate? You were still together when Belinda went away to Black Creek for college.”