“Don’t you want more?” Paige had once asked her, as Josh had moved from infant to primary school. “You’ve got all this time on your hands. You could do anything you want to do.”
“I’ve got the house to look after,” Rachel had said, defensively. “And Jack.”
Paige had looked at her admonishingly. “I’m sure Jack’s old enough to look after himself,” she’d said.
She’d been right, of course, and Rachel had been sure that Jack wouldn’t have had a problem with her doing whatever it was she wanted to do, but it was easier to think that he might. “Why would I want anything more, when I can live my life vicariously through you?” she’d said, laughing. “You fight for a murderer’s freedom, wearing Louboutin shoes, with a child on your hip, while getting a takeout from the Ivy. I could never lead a life as exciting.”
“Alleged murderer,” Paige said dourly.
Rachel had held her hands up. “Apologies, Your Honor, I stand corrected.”
Paige smiled. “Seriously though, there must be something you want to do.”
Rachel thought of telling her about her desire to teach at an underprivileged, under-funded school in inner London, believing that she could make all the difference. But she was afraid that she’d be laughed at for setting her aspirations too low.
“Noah says you were quite a force of nature when you were younger,” Paige went on. “Before meeting Jack and having Josh.”
Had he? Had he and Paige sat and discussed what she used to be like? Had he divulged the dreams she’d once had and how instrumental his part in them had been? The thought that Noah had shared the fantasy life they naively believed they would lead had made Rachel’s cheeks burn with embarrassment and betrayal.
“We all think we can rule the world when we’re young,” Rachel had said ruefully.
Yet, fast-forward twenty years, and she’s now worrying whether a heated pool will be too cold to lower herself into in her one-piece swimsuit. Even the shift from bikini to swimsuit has passed her by unnoticed. What has happened to her?
Suddenly determined to go in, regardless of the temperature, she walks up to the villa’s patio doors and slides them across with a renewed vigor. In that moment, a flash of orange silently crosses the mezzanine landing that connects her and Jack’s bedroom with Paige and Noah’s. It looked like a person, but she only caught it out of the corner of her eye and it came and went so quickly that it could have been a trick of light; the sun’s rays are bouncing off all the reflective surfaces, dazzling her and making her feel as if she’s inside a turning kaleidoscope.
“Has anyone seen Jack?” she asks, as she goes into the kitchen to find Will, Noah and Paige working together to unpack the shopping and load the fridge.
“Not yet,” says Paige, examining the label of a rosé wine. “No sign of Ali either.”
“You know the workers from the shirkers,” says Noah, laughing.
“So, are you ready to hit the waves?” Will asks Noah.
“I can’t wait,” says Noah. “Though, I have to admit, as we were coming along the coast road just now, I was looking out there and my stomach somersaulted.”
Will smiles. “Yeah, the waves are still looking pretty racy, but we’ll stay out of the impact zone.”
“You will look after him, won’t you?” says Paige. “I don’t want any broken bones.”
“He’ll be okay,” says Will. “It’s Jack I’m worried about. He thinks he’s a dude but he’s actually a bit of a kook.”
Noah looks at him quizzically, and Will laughs.
“Meaning he thinks he’s a decent surfer, but he’s actually crap, which makes him more of a liability.”
“That sounds like Jack,” says Paige.
They’re all chattering away, but all Rachel can hear is an incessant babble. She’s still standing there, in the middle of the kitchen, with a shopping bag in either hand, trying to sharpen her focus on the moving shapes in front of her.
Without saying another word, Rachel puts the shopping bags on the kitchen worktop and walks along the corridor toward the stairs, taking them two at a time. Jack won’t be in their room, she tells herself—he’ll be outside by the pool. She must have missed him on her way in and he must have had his eyes closed and not seen her. Her chest feels heavy as she crosses the mezzanine and pushes open their door. Please don’t be in here, she says to herself.