“Have you been in another of your lazy phases?” she asks.
I grimace at her choice of words. “No, I haven’t. I’ve …” But my voice trails off as I remember the weeks after I returned from the tour. I barely got out of bed during those days—but not because I was “lazy.” My brain simply quit functioning. After being so busy for months, performing for enormous audiences, interacting with countless conductors, musicians, and people from the press, being on for so long, I shut down. I remember looking in my fridge, seeing food, and being completely overwhelmed, bewildered even, by all the steps that it took to get it into my stomach. For several days, I only ate Cheetos. I didn’t have the mental capacity for cooking, let alone going out with Julian, contorting my face into the proper expressions, saying all the right things to his friends, and giving him the blow jobs he loves. For weeks, when Julian wanted to hang out, I made excuses.
Maybe I really did drive him away after all.
Priscilla sighs loudly. “Oh, Anna, what am I going to do with you?”
I know it’s a rhetorical question, but I’m tempted to answer, Nothing, anyway. I don’t want or expect her to solve my problems. I don’t say anything, however. She gets mad at me when I have an “attitude,” which is what she calls it when I disagree with her or express frustration or anger or any emotion contrary to what she wants.
“Everyone really liked him for you,” she says with another sigh.
“I’m sorry. I know you got along really well with him.” She was the one who introduced us—he was an intern at her company. At family get-togethers and things, Julian and Priscilla usually sat next to each other, immersed in stock market talk, and I loved knowing that my boyfriend and sister were on good terms.
“Don’t make it sound like you dated him for me,” she says stiffly.
I almost laugh. That’s exactly why I dated him. Priscilla is my smart, beautiful, extremely successful big sister, the person I respect most in the entire world. In lots of ways, she’s more of a mom to me than my actual mom. For as far back as I can remember, I’ve been striving to earn her approval, and Julian is most definitely Priscilla approved—as well as parent approved.
I don’t know how to respond, so I just say, “Okay.”
“Don’t have an attitude, Anna,” she snaps. “He got you to come out and do things, be social, not just hole up in your apartment with your music. You were smiling and laughing more. You were happy.”
“Smiling and laughing doesn’t always mean happy.”
“I can tell when you’re happy,” she says confidently.
I shake my head quietly. There’s no way she knows when I’m happy, not when the things I say and do around her are specifically designed to make her happy.
“I’ve started seeing a therapist,” I blurt out, surprising myself with the confession. It’s something I’ve been intentionally holding back out of fear, but so much has happened. I guess I want her to know now.
“Oh. Wow. Okay,” she says. I’ve stunned her into inarticulation—a rare occurrence for socially savvy Priscilla.
I press a hand to my chest and hold my breath as I wait for her to say more.
“Do Mom and Dad know?” she asks.
A short laugh bubbles out of me. “No.”
“That’s probably for the best.” She clears her throat before asking, “How did you even find this therapist?”
“I searched for ‘therapist’ plus ‘local’ and picked the one that sounded the best.”
She makes a sound in her throat—just a sound, it’s not even a word, but I know she disapproves. After a moment, she asks, “Was it because of Julian?”
“No, it wasn’t because of Julian. It was before he—we—it was just before that,” I say awkwardly. “I’ve been having trouble with my music. Ever since the tour and that YouTube video and everything.”
“You could have talked to me about this instead of some random person you found on the Internet,” Priscilla says in a frustrated voice. “We’re family. I’m always here for you. It’s the pressure, right? Pressure is my life. I can talk you through it.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and refrain from groaning. I know what’s coming.
“Prioritize, break things into small achievable tasks, and make a to-do list. I do that every day,” she says.
I zone out as she tells me how satisfying it is to check things off her list and gives her TED Talk on how to present to CEOs and big bosses. I’ve heard all this stuff before. It doesn’t help. My compulsions are too strong.