He doesn’t seem to notice that I didn’t kiss him back as he pulls away and lifts his glass toward me.
“To us,” he says.
I clink my glass with his and tip my head back to drink. What else can I do now? I swallow even though the wine tastes like vinegar in my mouth.
When I’m done, my eyes immediately seek out Quan. But he’s gone.
Pure, undiluted panic shoots through me. I can’t let him leave like this. I have to explain. I have to make him understand.
“I’ll be right back,” I say to Julian, and I hurry around to the front of the house.
I don’t see him on the front lawn or the driveway, so I run to the sidewalk. It’s starting to get dark out, but I see him. He’s there, walking fast, walking away from me.
“Quan,” I call out as I chase after him.
Instead of turning around to face me, he walks faster. “I can’t do this right now, Anna.”
“It’s not what you think.”
He keeps walking, so I run after him. When I grab his hand, he yanks his arm away from me like I’ve burned him, and it feels like a smack in the face.
“Quan—”
He whips around abruptly. “I really can’t do this right now. I’m not—” He drags in a breath. Down at his sides, his hands curl into fists. “I’m not thinking straight. I don’t want to say things that—I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m not marrying him. I just couldn’t say it while everyone was watching. Plus, my mom and his mom want this so bad that I—I—I …”
“I was watching, too, and I saw my girlfriend tell her entire family that she was marrying someone else. Do you have any idea how that feels?” he asks.
“I know it was wrong of me. I really am sorry. I’m going to fix this,” I say, pleading with him. I’m not in control of my life. He has to know that.
“Then fix it now,” he says. “I’ll go in there with you, and you can make a new announcement. Tell them I’m the one you’re with. Me.”
I don’t know what to say. I can’t do what he’s asking. Everyone wants me and Julian to be together. If I’m going to go against their wishes, I have to find another way to do it, something quiet and clever. I’m still figuring it out, but I’m fairly sure it involves getting Julian to call it off. They can’t pressure me then. They can’t make me say yes.
“Or can you only be with me in the dark? Are you ashamed of me, Anna?” he asks in a rough voice.
“No.”
“Then why do you act like you are? Why can’t you speak up for me?”
My throat locks, and I shake my head ineffectually. How can he expect me to speak up for him when I can’t even speak up for myself? I’m not allowed to. Why can’t he see that?
When I don’t answer him, his features droop with disappointment. “This isn’t working. I can’t do it anymore.”
A jolt of adrenaline makes my heart squeeze, and my senses stand at red alert. “Do what?”
“Us. You’re breaking my heart, Anna.”
I can’t bear the sadness in his eyes, so I look down at my feet and do my best not to make a sound as my tears fall. I hate that I’m hurting the person I love. I hate that there’s nothing I can do about it. I hate how trapped I am in my life. There’s no winning for me. I’ll never be able to please everyone.
“I’m going to go,” he says.
Everything inside me rebels at his statement, and I bunch the fabric of my dress in my hands as I fight the urge to reach out and stop him. There’s an invisible barrier around him now, and I’m not allowed inside it.
“I don’t want you to go,” I say, and it feels like the words come from my very soul, they’re so true.
Instead of answering, he turns around and continues down the sidewalk to his motorcycle. Without looking back at me once, he puts on his helmet, climbs on, starts the engine, and drives away.
I watch him until he’s gone, and even then, I stare at the intersection where he turned and disappeared from view. That’s it. We’re over now. He’s broken up with me. I’m not ready for a future where I never see him again. Yes, I still have my family. But what do I have to look forward to now? Where is my safe place now?
He’s just a man. I shouldn’t feel so empty with him gone. But I know I’ve lost something important, something essential. Because I haven’t just lost him. I’ve also lost the person that I am when I’m with him—the person behind the mask.